Loving Boldly

In a million years....

2011-04-29T20:06:00.006-05:00

Not in a million years would I have imagined myself saying so many of the things that have rolled off my tongue as a parent.

The list continues to grow.....

- Don't put your toothbrush on your feet.
- Get off the pole.
- Stop licking your snot.
- Do NOT wipe your nose on my skirt.
- Get your hands out of your pants.
- Get down. We do not climb walls.
- Tyler, Batman is a good guy....he doesn't strangle babies. (it was just a babydoll, but still)
- Stop laughing...she's having a seizure!! (to my 18 month old when my chihuahua was seizing on the kitchen floor)

Mama Duck

2011-03-20T14:52:00.006-05:00

It's springtime, one of my favorite times of year. The grass is green, the weather is beautiful, the ducks and all their little ducklings are out at the park waiting for us to share a tasty treat with them. As we've visited the ducks a few times this week, I've noticed something.

First of all, we see Mama Duck and a flock of little quackers following her everywhere she goes. Where's Daddy? Chillin' on the pond. She devotedly leads them across the pond, onto the grass, out to get a snack, back in the water, always alert and ready to protect them from any harm. She's calm under pressure for the most part, but every now and then, she'll trip over one of her darlings one too many times and her wings start flapping; her voice starts wailing, "QUACK, QUAAAACKKKK! QU QU QU AAAACKKKKK!" as if to say, "GET OUT OF MY WAY, you little STINKER! I am doing the best I can here, and YOU need to GIVE ME SOME SPACE!!" I feel her pain. I know I'm putting "words" in the Mama Duck's "quack," but I think I understand her quite well.

This week (spring break) has been amazing. I LOVE my kids so, so much. Like Mama Duck, I take my ducklings everywhere; I show them the world the best I can; I protect them; I love them; I stay calm most of the time. They FOLLOW me everywhere. Literally. Do I take a shower alone? No. Do I pee alone? No. Do I cook dinner alone? Well, I don't really cook, but I prepare, and NO, I don't do that alone either. There are always 3 sweet little babies under my feet. I turn - I step on someone. I turn the other way - I step on someone else. It's wonderful and exhausting all at once.

I love being a Mama Duck, even if it makes me a little crazy sometimes. I might lose my cool occasionally, but I love my little ducklings more than anything in the world.

Tyler and Baby Erin

2010-01-07T06:50:00.003-06:00

Tyler is so interested in Baby Erin and my tummy. Here's the conversation we have multiple times a day.....

Tyler: (pointing to my baby bump) What's this?
Mommy: That's Baby Erin.
Tyler: My kiss her?
Mommy: Yes, you can kiss her.
He holds my tummy with both hands and implies that I need to raise my shirt up a bit, and then he gently kisses Baby Erin. So precious.

A few days ago, Tyler's quest to kiss Baby Erin took another turn. I began explaining to him that someday Baby Erin would come out and he could hold her and kiss her and love her as much as he wants. I was going to talk about how important it being a big brother is, but I didn't get there before Tyler exclaimed, "She's going to POP out of here!!!!" pointing to my belly button.

"Oh, no no no," I explained, "Dr. Koster will take her out when she's ready. There won't be any popping! But she can't come out yet. She has to grow and get bigger, and Mommy has to get bigger too."

Tyler lovingly placed his hand on my tummy, looked into my eyes, and quietly said, "But Mommy, you already big."

That was the end of that conversation. :0)

Thankful

2009-11-22T15:44:00.002-06:00

When asked this morning in Sunday School what he was most thankful for, Tyler replied with "CHRISTMAS!!!" He's a boy after my own heart.

I personally feel most thankful when I look into my child's eyes and see a joyful, healthy little one staring back at me. I'm thankful that every time I look at Tyler or Piper, I see Mark in their faces. I see his eyes, his nose, his lips. I see his smile and his sense of humor. I see the blessings that we've been given together.

And then I feel scared.....scared that I'm going to mess things up in some way. Scared that I don't know what's next. Scared that my everyday choices and decisions will not be the best for my children. Scared that I have no control over so many things.

So I pray. I pray thanking God for the blessings He's given me and that He will guide me and make me worthy of the gifts He's so graciously placed in my life. I pray for His protection, His Love, His grace. I pray for His peace, His guidance, His wisdom. And most of all I pray we will always hold tight in knowing and experiencing the true, unconditional love of God.

Dreaming.....

2009-10-20T14:40:00.005-05:00

I am dreaming.....it's a crazy, wonderful, insane dream. See, I kind of love this Coach bag. No, I REALLY love this Coach bag....even though it's insanely expensive and impractical, I love it, love it, love it, and wish I could have it. I really wish I could have it.

But here's the thing. I can't spent $600 on a bag, even though it's embarrassingly tempting. Instead, I'll be saving my money to get this sweet little gift sometime in March or April. :0)

It's a much better gift if you think about it, but can you blame me for being just a little sad about not having such a precious piece of artwork hanging from my shoulder??

Soccer

2009-09-26T07:44:00.009-05:00

Tyler recently started playing soccer. Tyler's team, the Barracudas, mostly consists of children who have already played soccer for a few seasons. Tyler's the youngest one on the team, and he's most definitely the comic relief for all parties watching the game. He has NO CLUE what he's supposed to be doing.

Tyler wants nothing to do with the large mass of children chasing the ball. He prefers to stay right by his coach's side and mimic everything Coach Eric does. If Coach gets down on one knee, Tyler gets down on one knee. If Coach stands still to watch the team, Tyler stands still to watch the team. If Coach picks up the ball, Tyler picks it up next. No clue.

Rather than kick the ball during the game, Tyler prefers to kick the ball during time-out when no one else can challenge him or when the teams are lined up waiting for the whistle to blow. Tyler has no use for whistles. The ball is there, untouched, and he goes for it. The poor ref has to explain to Tyler at least 5 times every game that he can't kick the ball until the whistle blows. I can only imagine Tyler's thought process when the ref is trying to explain the rules to him...."Uh, whatever. It's a ball. I kick the ball. I run. What whistle? That guy doesn't know how it's done."

While the other players are swiftly trying to score goals, Tyler amuses himself (and us parents) by walking on the field lines like they are balance beams, swinging from the top of the goal (they're short for the little players), and sitting indian-style inside the goal when he gets tired. For some reason, he also like to pull a Michael Jackson and hold his privates when he gets real excited during the game.

Hopefully, Tyler will learn the ways of the game and enjoy soccer just as much as he does now. He will ALWAYS be my comic relief, my crazy one, and my special little man.

Moments of Adorability

2009-09-26T07:31:00.003-05:00

As a mom, there are so many times during the day when I think, "Oh, I need to write that down...that was adorable," and then I never get around to it. With two toddlers, two jobs, three dogs, and a baby on the way, I hardly have time to even use the bathroom.

Just yesterday, I walked into the hall bathroom only to find Piper sitting next to the open cabinet with a roll of toilet paper on the floor and scraps of it stuck to her mouth and fingers. She looked like she had just plucked a chicken! That sweet baby will literally put ANYTHING in her mouth.

Tyler and I have some "mommy and me" time every morning before I go to work since he's such an early riser. The other day, we were just sitting in the rocking chair enjoying our special time when I whispered, "I love my Tyler." He promptly responded with "I love my mama." An inner warmth swept over my entire body. Honestly, Tyler usually just repeats what I say instead of reciprocating an appropriate response, so this was very exciting on several levels. Not only was he displaying a more socially acceptable way of communicating, he was completely and voluntarily expressing his love for me.

I love my children and every minute I spend with them is such a blessing.

Tyler's Funnies

2009-09-09T07:37:00.002-05:00

Tyler spends his days either making me roll on the floor laughing or wanting to run screaming from the house. He's either hysterically funny or so crazy bad that I don't know what to do with him. He's a nut, and I adore him, even when it's 11:00 at night and he wants to wrestle instead of go to sleep even though he hasn't had a nap for the day. He's unusually energetic, unusually stubborn, and unusually hilarious for such a tiny little three year old.

Today, I choose to focus on the funny side of Tyler. Here are some of the things that have come flying out of Tyler's mouth lately that crack us up.

- Yesterday after Mark left for work, "Mama, can we go on a date? I want to eat cake."

- Aunt Gloria gave him new pajamas with skullheads all over them. He calls them his "man jamas," and he literally asks to wear his "man jamas" every 5 minutes. He doesn't understand that Mommy does not (and has no desire to) do laundry everyday.

- I got Tyler some babylegs with skullheads to try to appease him on the days his pajamas are in the washer. He calls them his "baby-yegs mans."

- The ketchup bottle squirts and makes a tooty noise....Tyler says with a big grin on his face, "It's poopin'."

- We're getting ready for church. Tyler turns my face to his and says, "Listen to me. We can't go church. Gotta go mall. Get chicken."

- When I stroke his head or hug him, I tell him I'm "loving him." That's how I also show him to "love" Piper gently. I was stroking his head last night,and his annoyed response was, "stop lovin' me."

- As my brother is trying his best to scare and intimidate Tyler over dinner (to get him to behave), Tyler simply responds with, "Uh, you don't scare me."

- We asked Tyler a question last night, and he said "no," so Mark said, "so no means yes," (to confuse him I'm sure). Tyler's response - "Uh, no, I don't say 'yes'." How true!!!

The Zebra

2009-08-01T15:22:00.005-05:00

Today is Piper's first birthday, although we're celebrating it tomorrow with our friends and family. Over the past few months, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want most for Piper, what I need to pray most for her.

For Tyler's first birthday, we got him a Rhino and a globe as a symbol of our prayers for him. To explain briefly, the rhino represents "blind faith." Rhinos have very limited eyesight; they can only see up to 30 feet before themselves. Being the large animals they are, it is difficult for them to stop quickly considering they are capable of running up to 30 miles per hour. Rhinos run even though they may not be able to stop before hitting something in front of them. If a rhino lived in fear of not being able to see where he was going, he would never go anywhere. We pray that Tyler, and all of our children, will run in the direction of their God-given dreams even when the details are unclear. Faith runs forward.

The Globe is a symbol of Global Vision - that Tyler (and all of our children) will see and learn about the world beyond our own neighborhood and know that there are no limits to where he can go.

Now for Piper, I wanted to come up with a symbol equally as meaningful and creative as the Rhino and Globe we gave to Tyler. After much thought and research, I found that the zebra was a perfect symbol of our prayers for Piper. Here is what I've written for my precious Piper on her first birthday.

The Zebra

Unique Beauty – A zebra’s stripes are like a human’s fingerprint. No two zebras wear the same coat. Zoologists who study zebras identify them and tell them apart by their unique markings. We pray that you, Piper, will embrace your individuality and uniqueness as a child of Christ, that you will never be ashamed of who you are, and that you will proudly, yet humbly acknowledge that God has fearfully and wonderfully made you. We also pray that you will make your own “fingerprint” on this world, that you will change lives and lead others to Christ.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” Psalm 139:14

The zebra’s stripes are also a natural sunscreen that allows zebras to withstand intense solar radiation. We pray that your upbringing in Christ and all of the qualities He’s given you—qualities that make you Piper—would be your “natural sunscreen” against the evil in this world. Your uniqueness will protect you from worldly danger.

A zebra’s stripes not only protect the animal from the sun, but they also help keep predators at a distance. The stripes on a zebra’s body serve as a form of camouflage called “disruptive coloration.” At dusk and nightfall when predators hunt, the stripes distort the zebra’s true distance and disorient predators. Even insects are disoriented by the stripes and stay away from the animal’s coat. Although a zebra’s distinctive coloring seems like it would attract attention, it does the opposite as it protects the animal from its enemies. Amazing! We pray that your individual beauty and uniqueness in Christ will protect you from those who seek to hurt you.

The zebra we are giving you on your first birthday is simply a symbol of our life-long prayers for you. We love you, thank God for you, and pray for His blessing upon you.

Tyler and Piper's June Photo Shoot

2009-06-21T13:17:00.000-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

"Date" Night

2009-06-06T06:57:00.003-05:00

Tyler and I had our first "date" night. It was awesome. We were both so excited. Tyler got dressed up (which means he put a collared shirt on and combed his hair), and we were off. On our way to the party store to pick out his birthday party supplies, we listened to Tyler's Bible songs CD which he loves to sing along to.

Luckily, he actually decided on a theme this time....firetrucks. So we joyfully spent entirely too much money on paper goods and decorations for his party. We also found Daddy a Lego Yoda Pen at Party City that we couldn't pass up. I thought we'd save it for Father's Day, but Tyler's just like me and wanted to give it to Daddy as soon as we walked in the door.

After Party City, we headed over to Chili's. Here was my big mistake of the night. I should have scheduled date night for an afternoon or an evening other than Friday. Chili's was packed, and Tyler gets a little stressed out in crowds. As soon as we walked into the noisy restaurant, Tyler said, "Let's go home." They seated us immediately, and once Tyler saw the ketchup bottle and the childrens menu with crayons, he was good to go. We shared an entree and some chocolate chip molten cake. Mmmmmm. Cake was definitely the best part of the evening for Tyler, and I soaked up every uninterrupted second we had together. Definitely a tradition we will continue. I love my little guy more than I ever knew possible.

Mother Hen

2009-06-04T16:12:00.005-05:00

I am a mother hen, and my feathers have just been ruffled. We had some "friends" over this afternoon, and Tyler was just not in the mood to play or share or frankly, to be nice. It was his nap time, and he was most definitely acting out. He threw toys, argued with the other children, poked them with his guitar, hit me when I told him no...you get the idea. I spoke to him, warned him, swatted his butt a couple of times, but he was determined not to change his ways. His behavior was nothing more than a typical 2 year old's who hasn't had a nap. I even begged Mark to stay home from work this afternoon so he could help me with our little monster. I knew a nap would fix everything, but a nap was out of the question until our friends left. Tyler eventually decided that playing nicely was actually in his best interest, and the playdate continued on.

Unfortunately, my "friend" made underhanded comments to her own children about Tyler's behavior, and she couldn't look at Tyler without a look of disgust on her face. I am fully aware that Tyler was being a stinker, but don't you DARE look at him like you could kill him. I can't even imagine looking at a child like that. Honestly, it's usually her children who are the ones causing problems when we get together, so I'm not real sure why she was so judgmental. All the while, I'm trying to be salt and light to this lost person when all I really want to do is slap her and tell her to get out of my house. Yes, my feathers are ruffled. My house is now quiet with two sleeping children, and I'm trying hard to forgive, even though I don't want to.

Traditions

2009-06-03T14:00:00.005-05:00

I've been vigilantly reading Noel Piper's Treasuring God in Our Traditions, and I'm so excited about implementing some of the traditions that she suggests for families. I'm not finished reading yet, but here are some of the things we are going to try to incorporate in our family from now on.

- Once a month Tyler and I will go on a "date" (I'm looking for another word for date, but for now, that's what we're calling it.) and when Piper's old enough, she'll go on a "date" with Mark. Treasured time together.

- One of us (probably me) will write a poem or letter to each child every year on their birthday.

- Some of the traditions we were already doing are daily reading the Bible as a family and praying together at meals and at night.

- Added to our daily routine will be a special "quiet time" where Tyler and Piper will have their own individual time with God. While they are so small, they can color a picture about the Bible story we just read, look at a Bible picture book, or quietly listen to Bible songs.

- I'm also in the process of choosing a hymn for each child that we will try to sing daily. Noel Piper did this during the bedtime routine, but I don't know if that will work for us. Singing seems to arouse my children rather than calm them. I'll fit it in somewhere though.

Tyler

2009-06-01T16:52:00.004-05:00

Tyler says and does the funniest things. He makes me laugh and makes me crazy. Here are a few things he's said over the last couple of days. My precious boy.

- Tyler is sick with 103.4 fever, laying on the recliner. I hover over him, rub is sad little face and ask him, "Can you please bring back the wild and crazy Tyler. I like him better." Tyler looks up with sunken eyes and quietly mumbles, "no." You know Tyler doesn't feel well when he's not climbing the walls.

- I got the shihtzus groomed last Thursday. Tyler saw Captain America (with very short hair) sitting on the couch and asks, "Mama, what's that dog?"

- I put on a little sundress today and was feeding Piper when Tyler woke up. He saw me and walked straight to his room saying "Gotta get dressed. Go to church with Mama." (It's Monday!)

- Tyler had a fever between 103 and 104 last night even after taking Motrin. His fragile little body does not handle illness well. He was talking 90 miles an hour and nothing he said made any sense. Poor little guy. I mentioned this to the doctor today, and he looked at me like I was crazy. Seriously?

- Tyler wanted so badly to wear Piper's purple socks to church yesterday, but I wouldn't let him. He was so sad. Maybe I should have let him wear the socks. What does it really matter?

- I pulled my hair back into a ponytail (and a tiny ponytail it was), and Tyler joyfully said, "Mama got haircut! That's nice!!"

- On the way to pick up Matthew and Hannah while Mom was in the hospital, I prayed aloud with Tyler for "Nana" to be healed. A few minutes after we finished praying together, I looked back to see him with his head bowed and hands folded whispering a prayer for Nana.

- Even with 104 degree temperature, Tyler refused to take off his babylegs. (legwarmers for babies and toddlers) last night. We at least got him to take off his shirt and shoes, but he was ready to fight to the death to keep those babylegs on. I even tried to slip them off in his sleep, but the babyleg monster awoke with great strength and determination.

- We drove past a dump truck on the way home from the doctor today, and Tyler quietly said, "mama, Tyler ride that tomorrow?" Uh...Tyler, you know I'd do anything in the world to make you happy, but I don't think I can pull that one off.

- Finally, Tyler pulled out a children's book about Christmas traditions around the world and saw a Christmas tree. Pointing to it, he asked, "Tyler have this?" "you want to put a Christmas tree up?" "Okay!" exclaims Tyler. We're putting up a few lights around his window instead.

Piper's hair

2009-06-01T14:10:00.005-05:00

I used to have a beautiful baby doll with thick brown hair that covered her head like a real baby. Everyone loved how life-like and adorable this doll was. What they didn't know was that her hair was only sewn in at the top of her head. It wasn't attached anywhere else; the 2-3 inch strands just fell perfectly around the baby's face, and no one ever knew any different.....except me. At first I was a little freaked out by the bald head under the flap of hair that covered it. Actually, I'm still a little freaked out by it, but that's okay. I'm aware I have issues.

Well, I recently discovered that my precious daughter (I love saying "my daughter") has hair very similar to the baby doll I just described. It's hilarious. She's rubbed off most of the hair on the back of her head. Peach-fuzz-looking stuff covers the back of her scalp now except for a nice patch of hair that flows from the top of her head down to her neck. Every time I comb her hair, I can't help but think of that baby doll that used to look so real except for her hair. I had no idea that the baby doll's hair was actually quite "real" looking.

Sunday Fun

2009-06-01T06:52:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, we all went to church, out to eat with friends, and then we hung out in Keller and Southlake for the afternoon. The Northwood band played at Kellerfest, and I knew Tyler and Piper would enjoy being outside and hearing their daddy play guitar.

After a week with a sick mom and a sick baby, Sunday was the perfect reprieve. We had a blast even though neither one of the babies took a nap and it was smokin' hot outside. I kept Piper cool at Kellerfest by soaking a rag in my ice water and smoothing it over her face...then I let her chew on it. ;0) Tyler wouldn't let me put anything cold on him, so I encouraged him to drink, drink, drink, and prayed that he wouldn't get overheated. (See next post - turns out Tyler didn't handle the heat so well.)

We all enjoyed the time outside listening to the band, and we were all really happy to finally get home at 5:30 too.

Titles

2009-06-01T06:43:00.004-05:00

Well last week, God was my Comforter and Healer. With my mom in the hospital for 3 days and Piper fighting 103 fever for 24 hours, I prayed a lot for healing and comforting. Piper has an upper respiratory infection but after the first 24 hours of antibiotics, she seems to be bouncing back pretty quickly.

Unfortunately, now Tyler is fighting 103 fever, and he's so much more fragile than Piper. We'll have to take him to the doctor today. His little body has a hard time healing itself. He's been talking nonsense 90 miles an hour since he got a fever last night. My poor little man.

So I'll continue to pray for healing and comforting. Luckily through all of this, I've still managed to be able to spend time alone with my Father everyday. I'm always amazed at how difficult that has become with little ones in the house. :0)

Journey

2009-05-24T06:27:00.003-05:00

For the last month, I've tried to focus my walk with God on seeing Him as my Father. I want to keep that goal for this month as well. It's just not my natural tendency to think if Him in that way. I love the song "I am" by Nichole Nordeman. It's about all of the titles God has during your lifetime. Comforter, Healer, Redeemer, I AM, Savior, Father, Lord, King, Beginning and the End, Super-hero, Secret-keeper, Heart-ache healer, Best friend, Shepherd, Pasture-maker, Creator, Helper, Maker, Life-sustainer.

Everyday this month, I will think about the titles that God fulfilled in my life each day. Was He my comforter today, my healer, my best friend? As I continue to focus on my relationship with Him as my Father, I will keep doing my best to have at least 30 minutes alone with Him each day. That has made a huge difference in my spiritual journey. Now getting up early is just habit, and it's a perfect way to begin each day.

Birthdays

2009-05-24T06:13:00.003-05:00

As the summer approaches, all I can think about is preparing for Tyler and Piper's birthdays. June 23rd is Tyler's birthday, so I took him shopping to see what kind of party decorations he wanted. Well, like most shopping trips with Tyler, it ended with me leaving the store with a screaming Tyler and a baffled Piper. He couldn't decide between Curious George, Thomas the Tank Engine, fire trucks, and Elmo. He wanted it all. I'm actually thinking about having some of everything....some Thomas plates with Elmo napkins, Curious George cups, fire truck balloons... Why not? But I think I'll go pick them up by myself. ;0)

I'm also having so much fun shopping for both Tyler and Piper. I love buying things for my children! And God has blessed me with some extra hours at work this month, so I have plenty of money to get the perfect gifts.

Piper's first birthday is August 1st. I've been working on a scrapbook of verses and prayers we have for her. I did a similar book for Tyler last year. It's been so fun to create this book, and I hope someday she'll read it and know how much she's loved. Creating the book has helped me focus on the verses that comfort me the most, that mean the most to me, and that help guide my prayers for my family.

Piper's Fashion Show

2009-05-21T06:53:00.000-05:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Tyler Presents.....

2009-05-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Tyler

2009-05-15T21:03:00.005-05:00

Tyler in the box....

Tyler out of the box....such a creative little guy.

George

2009-05-15T07:55:00.006-05:00

I got to watch some of the Gray's Anatomy finale last night. Well, Tyler happened to be in the room (he's never far from me) when George revealed himself to Meredith after being in horrible auto accident. His face was so mutilated and broken that he couldn't speak and no one recognized him. So as he traced the numbers 007 on Meredith's hand, I gasped, and with my hand over my mouth, I whispered to myself "it's George... ." Seeing my dramatic reaction, Tyler began to pay attention to the TV and saw George and his face that's just been run over by a bus and says..."oooh....it's George....scare me!"

I quickly explained that George was hurt; he was not scary; he was sad and hurt; and the doctors were going to help him. Well, Tyler went on for the next 30 minutes about George. He'd put his hands over his mouth and say very quietly, "it's George....scare me." I think after a while it was just a show for us, but I prayed that my Gray's Anatomy addiction didn't just scar my kid and create another image for him to be afraid of at night.

Of course Mark took this opportunity to scorn me (jokingly) for subjecting Tyler to such filth. He only did this because I have a fit when he plays his violent, first-person-shooter video games in front of Tyler. Oh well. Hopefully after a good night's sleep, Tyler has forgotten about George. Sweet boy.

No sleep

2009-05-14T17:45:00.009-05:00

What a day. I awoke to roaring thunder at 4:00 this morning. Immediately, Captain America, our little shih tzu who is terrified of storms was right in my face. Somehow that's comforting to her. ;-)
I went to check on Tyler because I knew if the thunder woke me up, it definitely woke him up. I was a little surprised that he wasn't in my face with Captain America. I found him curled up in our recliner in the living room with his hands over his face.

As I rushed to his side to comfort him, he looked up and through his hands, he said, "Mama, ....scared...it get me." My heart broke for him. He was too scared to even make it to our bedroom. I assured him it was just thunder and rain and that it was actually fun to watch the lightening brighten the night sky. To no avail, I tried to get him to go back to sleep, but the thunder rolled on and Tyler wanted milk, breakfast, and to get dressed. Okay.

There are two things that make it hard for me to be loving, compassionate, and happy, and they are lack of sleep and illness. I'm on my second round of antibiotics trying to fight off a stubborn sinus and ear infection, and my allergies are haywire. So getting up at 4:00 in the morning means my day is probably going to be a bit challenging, especially considering I don't feel well.

I was ready for lunch by the time I left for work at 8:30. I just had a meeting to go to, and then I rushed home to pack up the kids for a playgroup at 11:30. I popped a benadryl tablet because my allergies were getting bad, knowing that the trade off for feeling better was that I would be part zombie for the rest of the day. They both enjoyed playgroup at Tina's house....she has a huge room FULL of toys for kids of all ages, so it's the perfect place to meet. We got home at about 2:00, and I was sure we would all get to take a nap simultaneously today! Negative.

While trying to get Piper down for a nap, Tyler decided to make as much noise as possible. Despite the fact that I put a movie on in his room for him to have some "quiet time," he thought it would be so much more fun to throw blocks against the wall, to literally SCREAM at Emma when she got near his Sonic Popcorn Chicken (that he didn't really want anyway), and (here's the clencher!) to splash around in the toilet water and then race around the house touching everything in sight. Oh, I was NOT happy.

Piper only stayed asleep for about 3 minutes before the sonic blast of my voice exclaiming "TYLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!" awoke her. Tyler, not used to hearing me yell, froze. After a quick and calm discussion on NOT playing in the toilet, I picked up Piper to rock her back to sleep, at which time Tyler came in with my box of Godiva chocolates (Mother's day treat) sweetly saying, "Happy Birthday..... Happy Mother's Day...." The boy has already learned that a bringing a box of chocolates to a woman can get you out of almost any mess. I was exhausted....we all were, but for some reason children fight sleep. What the heck is up with that?? Embrace it; enjoy it while you can!

I had finally given up on getting either one of them to sleep when Tyler curled up in the recliner at 5:00 and shut his eyes. Great. 5:00 is NOT the best time for a nap, but today....I'll take it.

Tyler at 5:00 - finally napping!!!
Piper at 5:00 and 2 seconds - after I put her down to get the camera to take a picture of Tyler.
I guess a lack of sleep makes her a little emotional too.

It's almost 7:00 now and I can't seem to get Tyler out of the recliner, I've drunk an entire Route 44 diet coke, and I still feel like a zombie, and Piper has still not slept. It's definitely time for Mark to get home.

Me at the end of this day!!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T16:59:00.011-05:00

On this Mother's Day weekend, I've tried to spend some time reflecting on my journey so far as a mother. I have always prided myself as one of the few individuals who didn't need children of her own to know and understand the love a mother has for her child. As a special needs pre-k teacher, I felt the agony of the mommy who had to leave her teary-eyed little boy with Down's Syndrome in the hands of a complete stranger...me; I felt the heartbreak of another mom as she was told that her son was diagnosed as "failure to thrive;" and I prayed and cried with the mom who handed her 2 year old poison every morning to try to kill the cancer in her blood. I felt the pain these women felt. I cried with them and for them, and I loved their children with all of my heart. I still believe that I knew the love and pain of being a mom before I had children. I also believe that I still have a lot to learn.

But over the last three years, God has changed my life in so many ways. I have spiritually grown more in the last three years than I have in my entire life. I am utterly and completely dependent on Him, and I know every time things get tough, it's God strengthening me and making me into a stronger, more useful person for Him. I have always been a "day by day" person - I like to take things in small steps. But there are many times in the last 3 years that I survive minute by minute, second by second depending on Him to give me what I need. My love for the Lord has increased exponentially since I've had children, and my worship is more heartfelt than it has ever been. Tears come to my eyes almost everytime I sing praise songs to Him. I LOVE the Lord, for He has done great things!

So in reflection, here are some of the many lessons I've learned as a mother.

Everyday, every second is a gift from God not to be taken for granted. My job as a teacher for children who are terminally ill has made me realize that at any moment, God can take my children from me, and every second I have with them is a gift. I kiss them a thousand times a day because I don't know if we'll have tomorrow.
My children watch and imitate everything I do. Whether it's getting excited when Mark comes home or screaming "SHUT UP!" at the dog, my children notice and follow my lead. This is a scary, humbling thought.
A crying baby does not necessarily mean that I'm failing in some way. Tyler was such a fussy, unhappy baby, and he can be a fussy toddler as well. I honestly dreaded being alone with him when he was a baby because I couldn't seem to make him happy for very long. No one could, but I felt like as his mother, I should be the one person who comforted him. I have always adored Tyler...he's precious and his strong will has forced me to become a stronger person. Piper is the opposite. She's content and responsive, and she quiets down with the right tools. I'm not doing anything different with her than I did with Tyler, but she's just a more content baby. Thank God for her sweet spirit. Some kids are just more high maintenance than others, and it's not the parents' fault!!
Stress management - I get stressed, and like many people, my natural instinct is to take it out on those I love the most. It doesn't make ANY sense. I recognize this problem and conciously try to attack the stressor in my life and not the ones I love.
A messy house is not the end of the world. I really, really, really dislike messes. Something about a bunch of toys or clothes scattered all over the place sends me into a frenzy, but I've come to realize that a little bit of a mess now and then won't kill me. There are more important things to get in a "frenzy" about. ;0)
Consistency is important. It truly is the key to good discipline, but sometimes a hug works just as well.

I am a parent. God had chosen me to care for Tyler and Piper right now. He's CHOSEN me. My life's mission is to raise up godly children and to love them with His love. No job, no relationship, no circumstance can EVER get in the way of my life's #1 mission. I will not haphazardly parent. I will actively take responsibility and lead my children as we grow in Christ together. I am honored and overjoyed to bear the title of "mom."

I'm lying

2009-05-03T11:22:00.002-05:00

It's been very hard to stick with my goal of spending time with God ALONE every morning. Tyler and Piper have been sick for almost a week now, and now I'm catching something. I'm tired and cranky, and honestly all I can think about doing when I wake up in the morning is getting bottles, breakfast, and medicine ready before the kids wake up. And now that I'm feeling under the weather, Mark's treating me like I have the bubonic plague. Heaven forbid he touch a germ and get sick. Of course I don't want him to get sick, but I don't want to be treated like a leper either.

So, you can see I'm having trouble with my attitude today. One of my good friends sent me this prayer a while back, and I've found myself needing to pray it multiple times throughout the day lately. It's such a great prayer that I thought I'd share it with you!

"God, help me; help me fogive; help me be kind, etc. God, I just want you to know that I know I am lying, because I don't really want your help. I am enjoying being mad, sad, mean, etc. But, I know this is not your will. Please help me even though I don't really want it. I know it should be Your will and not mine."

Yes, this is my prayer today.

Today

2009-04-24T22:47:00.004-05:00

Mark's mom is here. It's been a great visit so far. We always love it when she's here. We all went to Cantina Laredo for lunch and Tyler at pats of butter all by themselves and then decided it might be fun to dip them in the salsa. He liked that too. He's hilarious.

I made banana pudding....I can't cook, so I bake to hide that I can't cook. LoJuana doesn't seem to mind. She likes my deserts.

Emma got her nails trimmed. Traumatic for her.

Piper cried and cried this afternoon. She wasn't happy. Very tired but would NOT go to sleep. Poor little thing. She finally gave it up at about 4:30

Mark and I walked around the mall tonight while the kids stayed at home with Mark's mom....got Tyler some play food for his kitchen, and Mark surprised me and bought me a beautiful dress at Nordstroms. I was so happy. And I got a cookie at the mall too....I never treat myself to that. It was nice.

I showed Mark the Pottery Barn bath stuff I want for the kids' bathroom (Dr. Seuss - "one fish, two fish") and he likes it a lot, but I didn't show him the price. : 0)

Talked about dying and who would get the kids. I started crying. I don't want to die. My babies need me. Is this a rational fear or am I crazy?

Got home, rocked and kissed the babies a thousand times, ready for bed.

Journey

2009-04-16T16:14:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about what I want my next "spiritual journey" to be, and I really want to just make it simple. I want to focus for the next 30 days (at least) on having a quiet time with the Father, reading His word and praying. I heard someone the other day call God, their Father, and it sounded so endearing and loving. I guess I just don't usually call Him that, and I want my relationship with Him to be more like one of a father and daughter who long to spend time together. I don't want to be bogged down with rules and things I HAVE to do each day because I'm already overwhelmed. I just want my goal to be to spend time with Him alone, no kids babbling in the background, no one else to interrupt our time.

Everyday while I'm spending time with my Father, I will ask these questions:

How can I radiate the peace of Christ so that his character might be glorified in and through me?
How can I bless God in the way I treat my family?
How can my mind be transformed that I might become more pleasing to Jesus? (questions from Ginger Plowman's Heaven at Home, page 15)

I've been feeling really insecure lately, more so than usual. I don't know where it's coming from exactly, but I need to get out of it and hopefully this journey will help.

Adoption

2009-04-14T08:13:00.004-05:00

After Piper was born, Mark and I spoke briefly about possibly adopting a child with special needs, in particular, a child with Downs' Syndrome. We were prepared to care for Piper if she had been born with Downs'. Thank God she's healthy and strong. But our hearts are still prepared and willing to take on a child with special needs if that's what God wants for us. I read an article online this week that stated that 90% of people who find out their baby has Downs' Syndrome in utero abort the baby. That makes me physically ill. We haven't talked a lot about it, but we'll continue to pray over the next few months or even years to ask God to give us direction in this area. Some of the things we are praying about regarding a possible adoption are:

Tyler and Piper and whether or not we want to voluntarily bring another child into the mix who will need special attention. We don't want Tyler and Piper to ever feel left out or unimportant.
Insurance - we would need really good health insurance if we were to adopt a child with special needs.
Direction and guidance
What agency do we use?
Preparedness - that God would prepare our lives and our children's lives for this special child if that's what He wants for us.

I would love for you to join in praying for this decision. It's not in the near future by any means, but it's something that's been on our minds and we need to continually pray about it. Thank you for praying with us.

Easter

2009-04-14T07:13:00.004-05:00

Easter, Easter, Easter. I was so excited about Easter this year - sharing the story of Jesus dying on the cross with Tyler and Piper (even though that's way over their heads right now), putting together Easter baskets for them, hunting eggs at Nana's house, and beautiful little clothes for my babies. Saturday night, I laid out Tyler and Piper's clothes for church complete with shoes, socks, and a headband and bow for Piper. I was prepared. I got up early, got myself ready - but stayed in my pajamas since Piper usually spits up on me at least once every morning.

Tyler got up first, as usual. He drank his "mook" (milk) and watched cartoons while I prepared breakfast for him and Piper. Piper got up about an hour later at 8:30. I promptly fed her the cereal and babyfood I had so lovingly prepared earlier. To give her time to digest and settle, I decided to get Tyler dressed before I gave Piper her bottle. Tyler had a nice button-down baby-blue shirt, khaki pants, and brown sneakers. At least I thought they were nice....Tyler had other plans. He had no intentions of wearing what I had picked out for him. He demanded his "cookie shirt" (a wal-mart t-shirt that says "mommy's favorite cookie tester") and his Thomas the Tank Engine rain boots. I really try to let Tyler pick his clothes on most days, but for Easter, I just couldn't bring him to church wearing that silly shirt and rain boots. After a 10 minute wrestling match, Tyler was finally dressed, and I was highly annoyed and already exhausted.

As I sat down to feed Piper her bottle, Tyler of course took the opportunity to undress. UGH!!!!! By this time, we had about 10 minutes to get out the door to get to church on time. Piper finished her bottle in record time, I got Tyler dressed, I got dressed, and then Piper got dressed. We always put her clothes on last because she spits up so much. She hadn't spit up all morning. I knew what that meant....it was still to come, but we had to go! I sat the children in the over-sized green recliner for a quick Easter picture. They weren't having it. Pictures were a bust.....no surprise after the morning we just had.

I picked Piper up to put her in the car seat, and low and behold, she spit all down her dress and my pretty pink skirt....twice before we were out the door. I wasn't about to change clothes .... no time for that. I quickly wiped off the curdled milk and got everyone in the car.

After many deep breaths, some praise music, and a Route 44 Sonic Diet Coke, I felt better by the time we got to church, but I still needed some Jesus. I was so looking forward to our church service. It was awesome, as usual, and Tyler and Piper were happy in the nursery the whole time. Whew. Maybe the day was taking a turn for the better. Maybe.

Maybe not! We went out to eat with our good friends Jordan and Piper and their 3 adorable children. I sat down with the kids while Mark ordered the food. Piper was joyfully settled in the highchair and Tyler was cornered in the booth next to me. Perfect. Mark brings our food and then disappears to get our drinks. The next thing I know, Mark's plate of barbeque and potato salad is crashing to the floor. As innocent as Piper looks, I know she's the culprit. As I bend down in my cute pink skirt to clean up barbeque with an entire roll of paper towels, Piper promptly pulls the silverware and her toys off the table too. Deep breath. Everyone else at the table is just watching to see my reaction and laughing hysterically....kids and adults. I strategically place Piper in a large open space of the restarant where she can't do anymore damage while I finish cleaning the freaking floor.

Mark returns with the drinks after what seems like 3 years and notices his food is on the floor. Sorry Mark. He goes to get more. The rest of the meal, I hold Piper and pin her hands down to her side while I eat - since my plate is within her reaching distance. I scarf down my turkey sandwich before she can throw it on the floor.

At church, Tyler made a little sticker craft with a lamb on it and it said, "Lamb of God." On the way home, I tried to get him to talk about it and see if he'd learned anything. He pointed to the picture of the lamb and said, "it's God!" Mark quickly exclaimed, "NO!!! He's confused. We can't let him think that. Put that thing away!" I agree that Tyler was confused, but I'm pretty sure he'll work it out eventually. I explained to Tyler that the lamb was not God and we talked a bit about the Easter story. Silly Daddy.

Tyler and Piper got to see their Easter baskets when we got home from church. We just got them some fun little toys...nothing too big. The big hit for Tyler was his new Batman pajamas. He wanted them on NOW. We explained that he could take them to Nana's house and put them on after the Easter egg hunt in hopes that he would just forget about it once he was there. Nope. Tyler changed into his pajamas, cape and all, as soon as we got to Nana's house. Tyler hunted Easter eggs in Batman pajamas while all of the other children were still dressed in their Sunday best. Oh well. I don't care. He had fun.

By then end of the day, we were all exhausted. The kids went straight to bed when we got home from Nana and Papa's house. What a day. What a special, beautiful, unique family I have been blessed with. Although I might get flustered and frustrated at times, I love every wrestling match, every time I have to change Piper's outfit, and every chance I have to share Jesus with my babies.

Selfishness

2009-04-09T08:04:00.003-05:00

I have NEVER considered myself a selfish person....until recently. My daily Bible readings have shed some light on how selfishly I behave sometimes.

1 Corinthians 13:5 says "love does not seek it's own."
Philippians 2:3 says "Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves."
Proverbs 25:24 "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Whoa!!!!! I know I can be a stinker sometimes, and I pick at stupid, trivial things that bug me when I need to just let them go.
Luke 6:31 Treat others as you want to be treated. (paraphrase)
1 Corinthians 13:7 "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

All of these verses describe how God wants us to love others, but we can't do it in our own power. This kind of love and selflessness only comes from Him. That's where I continue to fail. I try to do things in my own strength instead of depending on Him. God help me to joyfully put others first.

Love

2009-04-09T07:58:00.004-05:00

I'm reading a daily devotional called The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick, and there's a quote that I love in today's lesson. Matthew 12:34 says "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Here's how the author interprets this verse..."Some people are like lemons: when life sqeezes them, they pour out a sour response. Some are more like peaches: when the pressure is on, the result is still sweet." I want to be a peach, not a lemon!! I know just in my daily routine, I get frustrated and start snapping at people. Lord, let me be a sweet peach under pressure rather than a sour lemon.

Potty Training

2009-03-24T07:43:00.003-05:00

I tried to potty train Tyler over Christmas break, and after about 48 hours, we quit. He didn't care at all and had no control over his bladder. My strong-will was not enough to train him then. So we started training again this weekend, and it's been awesome!!!! He's worn underwear everyday and only had a couple of accidents a day, unlike the 11-12 "accidents" he was having during the Christmas training. I'm so proud of him. He gets a piece - a very tiny piece - of candy every time he goes on the toilet. I've had to change up the kinds of candy to keep him interested, but it's still working. For times when he just refuses to go on the toilet, I bring out the Peeps, which he excitedly calls "sugar bunnies!" I guess what everyone says is true....they will be potty trained when they're ready.....and not a minute before.

Prayer Notebook

2009-03-23T22:09:00.013-05:00

After reading "Disciplines of a Godly Family" by Kent and Barbara Hughes, I decided to create a prayer notebook, and it has been an awesome resource for me as I pray. I thought I'd share with you how the Hughes suggest to make your own Prayer Notebook. So here goes.....

In a 3 ring binder, use 6 Main Tabs with paper and post-it notes to use in each section.
I write some of my prayer requests and things that might change over time on post-it notes so I can remove and replace without messing up an entire page in the notebook.

Tab 1. Meditation: Put scriptures that you really like to meditate on...some good examples are :

Exodus 20:1-17 The Ten Commandments
Matthew 5:1-10 The Beattitudes
Galations 5:22-23 The fruit of the spirit
Romans 1:16-17, Romans 3:21-26, Philippians 3:9
Add as many as you like....

Tab 2. Confession:

Scriptures for confession are: Romans 3:9-18, Ephesians 2:1-3, Psalm 51:3-5 and 139:23-24
Write prayers of confession here. (I actually copied a few of Mother Teresa's prayers in this section. There's a little book you can get with a bunch of prayers she's written, and they're really good.)

Tab 3. Submission:

Write or make notes as you pray to submit to God and His calling for you life.
Scriptures for submission are: Isaiah 6:1-8, Proverbs 3:5-6, Romans 12:1-2, Matthew 11:28-30

Tab 4. Adoration:

Worship: Mark 14:1-9, John 4:23-24, Psalm 108:1, Exodus 33:11
Celebration: Psalm 19:1-4, Psalm 29 and 104, Job 26:7-14 and 38:1-41, Colossians 1:15-20, John 1:1-3, 1 Corinthians 8:6
Holiness: Isaiah 6:1-8, Exodus 19:16-19, Revelation 4:1-11
Devotion: Psalm 63:1-7

Tab 5. Petitions: (biggest section)

Scriptures: Ephesians 3:16-19 and 1:18-19 (I also copied a few of Mother Teresa's prayers in this section as well.)
Daily section: There should be a page for your family in general, a page for your marriage, and a page for each of your children. On each of these pages, I just place little post-its with things I want to pray about for my family, marriage, and children.
On the children's pages, I have 8 different sections that we pray about for that specific child. The sections are: spirituality, character, health, friends, protection, problems, future spouse, and praise. I've written things specific for each child in these sections using post-it notes. So, for instance, Tyler has his own page with 8 post-it notes for each area of prayer. We don't pray for all 8 areas everyday, but we try to at least get through them all within the week.
Weekly section: 4 pages - we usually cover one page a day during our prayer time (so this leaves for a few days in case you need to make up for missed days). For me, these pages just help remind me of my duty to pray for our political and church leaders.

Page 1 - Post-its for: Others' Prayer Requests, Spiritual Warfare, and Friends
Page 2 - Post-its for: World, USA, Personal life, and Needed Personal Qualities
Page 3 - Christian Leaders, Pastors, Upcoming Ministries, Vision
Page 4 - Government Leaders (Local, State, and Federal), Longtime friends

Tab 6. Answers:

Keep an ongoing list of how God answers your prayers.

I'm really glad I made a prayer notebook, although I have to admit it's been hard to keep up with it every single day. My life is so busy and hectic right now, so it's hard to stay disciplined and use this the way it was intended. But I thought I'd share it with you because I think the Hughes have created an awesome resource that we can use and mold to fit our own prayer needs.

Tyler's First Bible Lesson

2009-02-25T16:22:00.000-06:00

I wrote this several months ago, but I thought I'd go ahead and put it on my blog just for fun.

I am a teacher, and it's so exciting for me to get to stay home and teach my own children now. I found a great website that has printable Bible lessons for toddlers, so I printed a few to try them out. Well, Tyler had his first Bible lesson today...just a little story and some coloring pages...nothing too profound. My hopes were high. Our first lesson was focused on the verse, "Children, obey your parents." Fitting. Tyler listened (as he sat strapped to his high chair...the only way to keep the child still for more than 2 seconds), prayed, and colored a picture. All seemed to be going well until he got mad, bit his crayon and threw it at me. Unfortunately this lesson ended with a timeout. Lesson learned? I don't think so, but we'll keep trying. I am a teacher.

Shoe Shopping

2009-02-22T20:10:00.010-06:00

One of Tyler's more amusing quirks is his intense affection for shoes. He's loved shoes since the day he started wearing them. Seriously. There must be a shoe gene that he inherited from his mommy, although I have to say, his affinity for shoes far surpasses my own. Tyler received bags full of toys, games, and puzzles for Christmas, but the single most exciting gift he opened was a pair of blue and gold sketchers. Currently, Tyler has 5 pairs of shoes in size 8. He has a pair of shoes to match every outfit in his closet. I actually just put all of his shoes in the top of his closet because he kept getting them out of his chest of drawers and changing shoes every few minutes throughout the day. I got tired of constantly seeing shoes all over our house.

So....a friend of mine mentioned that this little boutique in Plano was having an 80% off sale on their winter clothes. I decided to take the kids to check it out to see if I could find anything for next year. I found lots of cute things for Tyler and paid only pennies for them. It was invigorating! I love sales! Tyler, on the other hand, has no use for sale prices. Tyler decided to forgo the cute little playroom that most children enjoy while their mommies shop and headed straight for the shoe section. He was in Tyler Heaven, surrounded by shoes all made for little boys just his size. So I shopped the sale while Tyler admired the shoes. He found some blue and white Ecko sneakers with a rhino on them. (He loves rhinos too...another little quirk.) He promptly took his own shoes off and replaced them with the "rhino shoes."

After I finished checking out, I went to let Tyler know it was time to go. Usually, he's all too ready to GO when Mommy's shopping, but not today. I told him to take the "rhino shoes" off and put his sketchers back on. You would have thought I had just slapped him in the face. He looked at me in horror; his little hands started shaking as he pleaded, "no, mama" in the most pathetic voice I've ever heard. "Ok, decision time," I thought. I had no intentions of buying a pair of full-priced shoes, but Tyler was so broken-hearted about leaving these shoes behind. (I can totally relate!) By this time, he was sitting on the floor, holding onto the rhino shoes that were still securely on his feet, crying big crocodile tears.

I am not one to give into any kind of fit. It sets a very bad precedent, and in my book, throwing a fit automatically guarantees that you absolutely will not get your way. But for some reason, this was different. Tyler was honestly broken-hearted about leaving those shoes. I bent down holding Tyler's little hands and asked, "Tyler, do you want to take these home?" "Hokay," was his shaky reply. I took the empty box to the register and paid way too much for a pair of shoes for my 2 year old. When I turned around to leave, Tyler gently hugged my leg and said, "kank you, mama," in his still teary, shaky voice. The slightly sick feeling I had about spending too much money suddenly slipped away as I felt a peace of mind wash over me. I had made the right decision.

This took place on Saturday, and the only time Tyler's taken off his "rhino shoes" since then was to take a bath. He's played, eaten, and slept in his new shoes....he wears them 23 1/2 hours a day. Precious boy.

Sweet Lauren

2009-02-10T14:39:00.008-06:00

Why do children have to die? I know all of the right answers....we live in a sinful world and death is part of it. It's part of the fall of Adam. It may help those of us left here on Earth learn some valuable lesson. God doesn't want His children to suffer, but the fall of mankind makes this world imperfect. God gives and takes away....we own nothing. All of these answers make sense, but they don't take away the pain: the pain of losing your firstborn, the pain of losing a precious student, the pain of losing a dear friend, the pain of losing your only sister. So much pain.

There are hearts breaking all over because Lauren is no longer with us, but those same hearts are also hopefully rejoicing in knowing that Lauren is happier and more perfect than she's ever been. Her pain and suffering is over, and she is singing and dancing in heaven with her Savior. But it still hurts us. We miss her.

Lauren was a gift to us. As her teacher, I will hold onto so many memories we created together, like reading "Where the Red Fern Grows" crying at the end and passing each other the tissue box as the tears streamed down our cheeks. Like reading Twilight when she was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open and she said, "I'm so tired, but I love this book so much, so KEEP READING!" Like the time she wouldn't take her medicine until Joe suggested she take it for Ms. Christie. .... "OK, for Christie," she replied and promptly swallowed her medicine. How incredibly special that moment was for me. Thank you Lauren. Thank you God. Thank you for these priceless, precious moments I so blessedly shared with Lauren. Thank you.

One thing about Lauren that amazed me the most was her independence and determination. She was so weak and frail in her last few weeks, but she insisted on taking her medicine herself and pushing her morphine button herself. She wanted to hold her drink herself. She didn't want anyone doing things for her. She could do it herself. What a fighter. What a winner. What an inspiration.

Thank God for Lauren. Thank God that He shared her with us for as long as He did. Such a beautiful soul is too good for this Earth. She is home now, where she belongs, where God wants her, where we will all rejoice when we see her again someday. Thank God for Lauren.

24 hours of Tyler

2009-02-04T16:44:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I call Tyler...."Tyler the Terrorist." The last 24 hours have been nothing but enduring the wrath of "Tyler the Terrorist." Here are some of the events in the last 24 hours.....

Tyler tells me, "don't tell me no!!"
I ask Tyler what he wants for breakfast. His response...."Be nice."
Tyler runs his toy trucks all over my beautiful piano after repeatedly being told not to.
Tyler tells me NO.
Tyler tells his gymnastics coach NO.
Tyler tells me NO again.
Tyler insists that anything of color is GREEN.
Tyler chases the dogs around the kitchen by pushing his highchair around.
Tyler feeds the dogs his dinner...twice....so he didn't get to eat the rest of the night. That was pleasant.
Tyler tells me NO.
Tyler stood on the back of the couch, and when I yelled, "TYLER GET DOWN," for fear he was going to break his neck, he responded in a whisper, "mama, it's okay."
Tyler insists that Piper's activity center is his and gets stuck in it multiple times. He doesn't seem to learn his lesson.
Tyler tries to spank the dogs with my wooden spoon. Poor dogs.
Tyler screams because I won't give him candy. There's no way in hell he's getting candy any time soon!! He's got too much energy as it is.
Tyler has gone to time-out, gotten a couple of spankings, and spent some solitary confinement in his room over the last 24 hours, but he doesn't seem to care.

What's a mother to do? : -)

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-31T23:16:00.001-06:00

1.I can't resist a chili's turkey sandwich, fries, and their chocolate chip molten cake.
2. I am a huge Twilight fan. Best books ever.
3. I love taking pictures but hate being in them.
4. I love being a mommy, and I try to read lots of books to help me be a better one because at the end of the day, I tend to focus on all of the mistakes I've made.
5. I am afraid of the dark and terrified of frogs...don't know why, just am.
6. I just finished reading "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson and "Disciplines of a Godly Family" by Kent and Barbara Hughes.....highly recommend both of them!
7. I love all things J.Crew.
8. Home is my absolute favorite place to be, and I hope that it's also my family's favorite place to be.
9. I am a girly-girl, and I can't wait for Piper to start playing with Barbies and baby dolls!!
10. I love to write and hope to somehow make money doing it someday.
11. The Girls Next Door is one of my favorite shows, but Mark doesn't want anyone to know that.
12. Baking chocolate chip cookies with Tyler is one of my favorite things to do.
13. Both of my babies were miracles since my body stopped feeding them during the last part of both pregnancies....we might adopt #3.
14. Sometimes when Tyler is overtly disobedient, I laugh....and I'm okay with that.
15. I love to scrapbook, but I can't seem to stay caught up with 2 little ones demanding my attention.
16. Hearing Tyler laugh is food for my soul. I wish I could bottle it up and carry it with me wherever I go.
17. I was supposed to stay at home and not work this school year, but I've been working about 15 hours a week teaching children who are too sick to go to school. Although I love being home with my babies, God obviously needs me somewhere else as well. I have students with terminal illnesses, and I come home everyday thanking God for my healthy children and pleading that He will keep them that way.
18. I used to lay down and play dead at the hint of an argument, but after 8 year of being married to Mark, I'm pretty dang good at it....bring it on!! Those of you that know Mark know what I'm talking about. ; -)
19. I cried during the entire last half of "Marley and Me." My sister was totally embarrassed.
20. I listen to Christmas music all through the year (not everyday, but often). It makes me happy.
21. A messy house really stresses me out.
22. I've tried to convince Mark that I could really help the economy by supporting the local nail salon and get a mani-pedi once a month. So far, he's not convinced.
23. I don't understand mean people. What's the point?
24. I love art, and I try to bring out my inner artist whenever I get the chance.
25. I cry every time we pass through Round Rock. Leaving the only home I ever knew as a junior in high school was devastating and almost killed me.

Jesus

2009-01-30T17:19:00.003-06:00

I saw Lauren today, as I do everyday now. We read, and I tell her funny stories about Tyler and Piper. But mostly we just read. She sleeps a lot now, but her nurse says she can still hear me when she looks like she's sleeping, so I read because I hope it has become a bright spot in her day as it has mine. Today, I stopped reading for a moment. Lauren was obviously asleep. I looked around the room for a minute wondering why I felt the urge to stop reading. Her mom has adorned the bedroom with crosses and crucifixes, all of which I've seen before, but today felt different. As I glanced from cross to cross, I felt the presence of Jesus as I never have before. I felt like He was standing right there next to Lauren...I could all but see Him. I know Jesus is always with us, but this felt different. I think if Lauren had opened her eyes, she would have seen Him standing there (she's seen Him recently and described the event in great detail). It was amazing and terrifying at the same time. The only thing I could do was be still...I didn't move or think or talk...I was just still for a few moments. Then I thought, "Oh God, please don't take her." That's all I could pray. Other than that, my mind was completely blank. A few seconds later, Lauren began to awaken, so I picked up the book again and started reading where we left off. Today was a gift. Thank You Jesus for helping me see how close You really are.

Need to have some fun

2009-01-09T00:15:00.003-06:00

My heart is so heavy right now. I am in desperate need of a fun night out where I don't have to think about parenting, students, money or anything responsible.

I think my spiritual journey has been somewhat successful. I've learned a lot and prayed a lot, but I could have done better and been more disciplined about sticking to my plan. I'm going to take a break from all of the "rules" of my spiritual journey and just try to enjoy life right now. For some reason, joy has been hard to find in the last few months. I'd like to try the journey again later, but for now I need to take it easy.

Death

2009-01-05T07:35:00.011-06:00

Death. I seem to be surrounded by it this year, and it's starting to scare me a little. My student, Derek, lost his brother in a motorcycle accident in Frisco earlier this year. My sister-in-law in Kentucky has had two miscarriages in the last 6 months, and they just found out the baby boy they were planning on adopting from Ethiopia died 2 nights ago. Bless her heart. My grandfather is functioning on 20% of his heart and he's too weak to make it through any kind of surgery, so at Christmas this year, we all spent a little extra time with Papa and gave him extra hugs because we're not sure we'll see him again. And my dog is dying. She has seizures, which are now pretty much under control with medication, but now she's in congestive heart failure and coughs ALL the time. I'm sad for her, and I'm sad that I can't devote more of my attention to her.

And the most heartbreaking of all, my precious student, Lauren, has been battling cancer since July last year. Her dad called to tell me last night that I needed to prepare myself because Lauren probably doesn't have much time left. The men in my life don't cry very often, so it breaks my heart to hear a man cry. Lauren's dad was speechless at one point because he was so overwhelmed with tears. My heart breaks for her family. How do you ever make it through the death of your child? I know God provides what you need when you need it, but I'm ashamed to say that I think my faith would be shaken in I were in these parent's position right now.

I had another homebound student a couple of years ago. She was in liver failure. After 3 different liver transplants, her body rejected all of them. We all knew the prognosis was inevitably death. I knew that. I accepted that. I prayed for comfort and healing for her family. I prayed that she would be happy and not in pain during the rest of her days her on Earth. I prayed for comfort for myself. When it was time to say goodbye, it was still very hard, but I think we had all accepted that fate a long time before it came. The death of a child is horrible whether you know it's going to happen or not, and it was much harder to let Natalie go than I expected.

With Lauren, I know that Cancer can be beaten. It doesn't have to end in death. So my prayer for her has always been that she would be healed, that her family would be spared the grief of losing a child, and that her body would be strong enough to fight this evil disease. I know in my mind that God has answered my prayers, just not in the way I wanted him to. I know in my mind that Lauren will be made perfect very soon when she sees Christ. I know in my mind that nothing here on Earth is "ours," and that God can give an take as he sees fit. But my heart aches beyond belief knowing that God did not spare this child from the pain she's suffering. He did not spare her parents the grief of losing their only baby girl. He did not spare her young brother and her friends the terrible grief of losing someone they love. The very thought of losing one of my own children literally takes my breath away....I can't even breathe just thinking about that possibility.

I can't really say how I would deal with the loss of a child. I hope I never have to experience anything close to that. But I imagine that if I were in this couple's shoes right now, I would be asking a lot of questions that start with the word, "why." Why does she have to suffer? Why are you taking my daughter away from me? Why do we have to hurt so much? Why can't you just heal her? Why, God?

Five months into my pregnancy with Piper, we found out that she had a "possible" heart defect and that raised her chances of having Down's Syndrome. There was a very good chance that Piper was going to have Down's. We called our families immediately to let them know. As a special education teacher, I wasn't sad. Even though it wasn't ideal, I felt prepared to have a child with any kind of disability. After telling our families, I decided it was best not to tell anyone else in my life. I was shocked by some of their reactions and couldn't handle anymore similar reactions. "That would never happen to you." "That doctor's just trying to scare you." "That's just ridicuous." "Oh, we'll still love her." What??? Do you think people PLAN on having a sick child? Do you think couples on their wedding day say, "We're going to have a child die when she's in sixth grade." Do you think when a father looks into his son's eyes for the first time, he thinks, "This child will probably die in a tragic car accident when he's 19 years old,"? No. No one plans on dealing with special needs or the death of a child. But it could happen to ANYONE. Thankfully, Piper was born perfectly healthy. I try very hard to cherish every moment I have with my babies, because if there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that life is uncertain and there are no guarantees.

I held my babies a little closer and little longer last night after I rocked them to sleep. I kissed them a few more times before I laid them in bed, and I prayed thanking God for my beautiful, healthy children. And then I laid in my own bed pleading with God to keep my children healthy and strong, that we might never fully know the pain of losing a child.

The meaning of Christmas

2008-12-22T07:22:00.005-06:00

I have always loved everything Christmas. I love the Christmas story. I love the lights. I love being with family. I love the weather. I love the presents. I love the food, and most of all I love the music. I listen to Christmas music year-round because it takes me back to happy places. This year more than any other in my life, I have spent a lot of time wondering about the "meaning" of Christmas. Why do we give gifts and put lights up and eat special food? Do we really need all of that to celebrate Christ's birth? My conclusion....YES!

I guess this year, I've heard one too many people say, "Christmas is not about the gifts," or "we've made this holiday into something it's not." I whole-heartedly disagree with these statements. Christmas is absolutely about giving, and I think it should be the biggest celebration anyone has all year. God GAVE us Christ, His Son. He gave him to us as the ultimate gift, and we celebrate that every year by giving to others. What should we celebrate more in our lives than the gift of Christ?

Is Christmas about getting the latest technology or the biggest diamond or the latest toy? No, that's not what I'm saying. But it IS about us seaking out the perfect present for the ones we love, just like God gave the perfect present to the ones He loves. It's the time of year when we show those closest to us how much we love them by giving, just as God gave so many years ago. Think of the joy God experienced by giving us His Son. Think of the joy you feel when you have the opportunity to give someone something special. It's unmistakably, unequivacably priceless.

Now that I have children, Christmas is even more meaningful and more exciting. I absolutely can't wait to see Tyler's face when he sees his Thomas the Tank Engine boots that he runs to every time we walk through Nordstrom's. I can't wait to see Matthew's face when he opens his personalized popcorn bowl filled with goodies. And I can't wait to see Mom and Dad's face as they open the one-of-a-kind vase that was hand-painted by Tyler himself. The Thomas boots, the popcorn bowl, and the vase are the perfect gifts for each of these special people. And what joy it brings me to be able to give the perfect gift as a celebration of Christ's birth. Did I have to be creative in finding ways to fund our Christmas giving? Absolutely. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Do I wish I could have given so much more? Absolutely.

Should Christmas be solely about the presents and lights and music and good food? No, but should Christmas still include all those thing? Absolutely. Mark and I don't make much money, and for a couple of years, I've considered asking if we could just not give or receive gifts from anyone so that we're not so financially strained. Thankfully, we've never actually gone through with it. Although the budget is super-tight, giving is part of Christmas, a necessary and wonderful part of Christmas.

We have some other family members that have decided that Christmas is not about the gifts, and they don't give for Christmas. That makes me sad, and until recently, I didn't know why it made me so sad. Now I know.....they're missing out! I don't care whether or not I get a present, but those people who choose not to give are missing out on the true meaning of Christmas. Why do we strain our budgets? Why do we wake up at 4:00 in the morning to get "THE toy" for the year? Why do we spend late nights meticulously wrapping every present? Why? Because I believe that's what God wants us to do. He wants us to give unselfishly and unconditionally, just as He did, and He wants us to experience the priceless joy of giving in celebration of His Son's miraculous birth.

THAT Mom

2008-12-13T16:07:00.003-06:00

I am that mom that other mom's look at and say, "Oh, that poor girl has her hands full today." I am that mom that makes childless people say, "She needs to spank his butt." And I am that mom who the store clerks are VERY relieved to see leaving the building. I took Tyler and Piper shopping today so Tyler could pick out something to give Mark and Piper for Christmas. Even though he's only 2, I think it's important for him to experience the "giving" side of Christmas.

So we went to the mall this morning. First he picked out (with some direction from me!) a sweet little baby doll for Piper. He gladly took the money out of my wallet and gave it to the sales associate. Perfect. "We're learning to give," I thought. This is greatness.

Then we head to another store to pick out something simple for Mark. I know that when I go shopping with Tyler, not only do I have to have a bag of tricks to keep him happy (i.e., cookies, crackers, juice, a toy or two, and some candy only meant for dire emergencies.), but I also have very limited time. He's only good for about 45 minutes, and then the monster starts to emerge.

Well, the monster came earlier than expected and my bag of tricks was futile. He wanted to RUN. "Run, Mama!" I ended up holding his little screaming self while I quickly suggested a few items for Daddy and we were off to the register. I was not ready to go, but Tyler was, and I was about to lose my patience. Apparently, the sweet girl behind the counter felt my pain. She asked the other associate to get me some water. That is so sad. You offer water to people who have just run a marathon or just got finished with a major work-out. Seriously, she offered me water! And you know what, I took it and drank it. I drank it all. She gave Tyler a sticker and let him play with the credit card swiping machine while I checked out.

All the way out the mall, people were parting ways and opening doors for me, most of them with sympathetic smiles on their faces. After carrying a screaming Tyler (no idea why he was screaming...I don't think he knew either) all the way to car, I buckled everyone in including myself and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking. My body was fatigued, like I had just run a marathon. I guess I really did need that water.

Christmas shopping. I think I'll go Tyler-less next time. He can learn to give next year. ; -)
Later, when we got home and all was calm, I called the store where we were shopping for Mark and thanked them for being so kind and patient and for not making me feel like they were secretly wishing I would just leave.

Is it bedtime yet?

hard time

2008-12-09T22:06:00.002-06:00

I am having a very hard time being happy right now. I can't really explain it, but if you're reading this, please pray for me.

Light Bulb...or maybe not

2008-11-21T07:06:00.006-06:00

I am constantly observing other mothers to see what I can learn from them, how they react to different situations and dilemmas. Some are definitely better examples than others. I read somewhere this weekend that children don't need a neat and tidy house that looks perfect all the time; they don't really care about all of those menial tasks that we moms keep ourselves busy doing all day. They want our time and attention. They want to play with us, to laugh and giggle with us. When I read this, I thought, "Oh! I can do that. Forget the housework and just enjoy being with Tyler and Piper. Easy." The light bulb went on....then it went right back off.

It wasn't as easy as I expected. I'm such a Martha....busy, busy, busy doing things: cleaning, laundry, making the beds, cleaning some more, baking treats for people, vacuuming, dusting, brushing the dogs so they don't shed too much, and the list goes on. I want a clean, tidy house, and I assume everyone else in the house does too. While all of those things need to be done at some point, a pristine house at the expense of spending time with my children reading, cooking, playing with play dough, coloring, or walking to the park, is not worth it. My time is much better spent teaching and loving my children through quality time. I understand that.... But it's SO hard to put down the duster and the vacuum. How weird is that?? When I know something needs to be done, I have this unforgiving urge to get done RIGHT NOW. What's even crazier is that when I see other people doing this same exact thing, "doing" instead of enjoying quality time with someone, I am completely annoyed by their stupidity. Another light bulb!! Wow. I pray that God will help me focus on spending more "quality" time with my children and not being so obsessed with keeping a perfect house. This must be fixed!

On a separate note, it's that time of year when we're surrounded by family....lots and lots of family. This used to be the most exciting thing for me about the holidays, seeing family, but now I think it just makes me nervous and stresses me out. I LOVE my family and my in-laws, but I guess I'm one of those people who likes things in moderation. Holidays with our family do not come in size "moderation." They are big and loud and busy and I'm about to have a panic attack just thinking about spending 5 days in Alabama with my in-laws. Oh God, please help me be happy, gracious, and loving. Give me strength, compassion, wisdom, and self-confidence.

God's Will

2008-11-18T14:08:00.005-06:00

Every night I go to bed thinking about how I could have been a better parent that day. I go to bed guilt-ridden and sad every night over the mistakes I made that day. I know this is not God's will for me, and I've prayed and prayed about it. It's not like I make horrible, huge mistakes, but I just feel like I let Tyler and Piper down at some point during the day. They are both so young and so dependent, and Tyler is still incredibly jealous of Piper. He does everything in his power to get my attention when I am caring for Piper. And I make sure he gets one-on-one time with me everyday, but it never seems to be enough for him. He just does not like it when I hold Piper. It's frustrating and infuriating and sad and I don't always know how to handle his tantrums. I feel bad that he's hurting and needing more than I can give, and I feel bad for Piper because Tyler scares her and my time with her is constantly interrupted by Tyler's tantrums.

And I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate reading the Bible and praying with Tyler during the day. With Mark gone in the evenings, it just seems like time gets away from me and it doesn't get done everyday. We always pray before meals and before bedtime, but it seems like reading the Bible just hasn't become part of our daily routine yet, and that's frustrating too. Why can't I get it right??? How hard is it?

How do I go to bed every night in peace instead of guilt-ridden? How do I give 100% to both Tyler and Piper? Maybe the perfectionist in me is trying to take over....maybe not...I don't know, but I know I'm weary and need answers. God help me. (I say that a lot lately.)

Santa

2008-11-16T14:22:00.002-06:00

I took Tyler and Piper to have their picture made with Santa early this year before the lines get insanely long (and I had a coupon that was only good until Thanksgiving). Santa at Willow Bend Mall is amazing. He's so nice and you have to go through this little "Polar Express" village and a giant snow globe to get to Santa. Tyler loved the fake falling snow and even tried to catch some with his tongue....silly boy. We got a couple of really adorable photos and when it was time to leave, Tyler said, "Bye, HO!" It was hilarious. Santa took it pretty well with a big grin on his face.

Love

2008-11-16T14:03:00.005-06:00

Mark and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this weekend, and I realized something. He made a silly joke on Saturday that it had been a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG 8 years, and I just laughed. He said that 8 years ago I wouldn't have laughed and now I know how to take a joke. He's right. I thought about that for a minute and realized that early in our marriage, I thought if he said anything negative, that meant he wasn't happy with me and wanted to leave. Not because this was the truth of the situation but because that was just how I knew love. I thought love depended on the mood or how you felt about a person...I didn't understand the "unconditional" part. Our love in our marriage is different....I feel completely secure in Mark's love for me. He's not going to leave or withhold his love if I upset him. THAT is how I want my children (and my husband) to feel....like my love is always there without question, regardless of their actions. God show me how to do that.

In Sally Clarkson's "The Mission of Motherhood", she writes, "When we face the Lord at the end of our lives, he will ask us, 'What did you do with those precious eternal human beings that I entrusted into your hands? Did you sacrifice your own life to give them my life? Did you pass on my purposes? Did you do the work in your children that will result in praise to my name throughout all of eternity?'" I want to ask myself these questions everyday. I have so much to learn.

Sick

2008-11-10T14:51:00.003-06:00

UGH....everyone in my house is sick....except me. I taught Pre-k for 2 years and was literally sick for 2 years straight. I'm sure with all of the bodily fluids I had to deal with in those 2 years, I was exposed to all kinds of nasty germs. Now I think I'm completely immune to everything! Now that we have children, Mark gets sick whenever they get sick. And he seriously puts me over the edge. I can handle taking care of my children when they're not feeling well, but Mark is a bigger baby than both of them combined, and I am CONSTANTLY praying for God to give me patience with him. If I get sick, I still do everything I always to...clean, wash clothes, give baths, dress the children, prepare food, work....I honestly think Mark needs the whole world to stop and acknowledge that he has a little tickle in his throat. I really just want to tell him to shut up and take some medicine. Oh God, help me be more compassionate and patient. Forgive my horrible attitude, and please make it better!!

Christmas

2008-11-10T14:37:00.002-06:00

I was just starting to get stressed about the holidays...dividing time with family, gifts, money (that's the big stressor), etc. when I decided to go ahead and pull out a few Christmas decorations to lighten my mood. I grabbed a string of lights and hung them around our dining room windows. The next thing I know, Tyler is racing up to me shouting, "Mommy!! WOW!!!" He was mesmerized by the lights. So I pulled out a few more decorations, and one thing led to another as Tyler's excitement grew, and now much to Tyler's (and my) satisfaction, our entire house is decorated for Christmas - minus the tree. Mark might have a heart attack if we put the tree up this early. Every time I would get something new out, Tyler exclaimed, "WOW!!" So sweet. He even decorated his own mini-tree in his room with lights, tinsel, and puppy ornaments (his room is decorated in puppies). He was so proud, and we have about 2 thousand toys or music boxes that play Christmas carols, so those have been going off spontaniously throughout the day as Tyler discovers how they all work.

Yes, money is tight, and Christmastime is always a little stressful for us adults, but I pray that God will lighten my heart and help me see the season for what it really is, a celebration of Jesus's birth.

Falling behind

2008-11-04T07:17:00.002-06:00

I'm totally falling behind on my spiritual journey. I was very excited and dedicated at first, but now I just haven't been putting in the same amount of effort. I haven't been reading the Bible or studying anything, and I'm just exhausted by the end of the day. I want to get back into it, but I'm tired, physically and mentally.

Real Housewives??

2008-10-21T14:57:00.006-05:00

I am a "real housewife." I have seen those shows...."The Real Housewives of Orange County," "The Real Housewives of New York City," and "The Read Housewives of Atlanta," and I am here to say that they are NOT REAL HOUSEWIVES!!!! Let me tell you what a real housewife deals with. Let me share just a glimpse of my day today.

This morning was great...I dusted, mopped, vacuumed, the house was clean and the kids were happy. So I'm having a moment to myself talking to a friend on the phone. Tyler was content in my room watching a video and Piper was resting peacefully in my lap. Well, after about 5 minutes of sitting in the study, I walk into the living room to sit down and continue my conversation when low and behold, Tyler is no longer watching his movie. He's having a grand old time picking up the dog food with a spatula and tossing it all over the kitchen. There was literally dog food ALL OVER MY KITCHEN!!!!!!!!

I took a deep breath, put Piper in her bouncy seat, and calmly told Tyler to help me pick up the dog food. I don't have a broom, so Tyler and I cleaned it all up with our bare hands. Yuck. (I will be investing in a broom very soon!!) Now he had no trouble spreading the entire bowl all over the kitchen in a matter of minutes, but when told to pick it up and put it all back in the bowl, he did it piece by piece, and anytime I turned my back on him, he was back in my room watching Madagascar! NOW he wants to watch the movie. UGH!!! In the meantime, Piper, my little angel baby who hardly ever cries, is wailing in her bouncy seat.

So we finally get all the food picked up and I grab the mop to clean the floor real quick so I can hurry up and pick up poor little Piper. I finish my second mopping job for the day, put the mop away, and return to the kitchen and swoop Piper up in my arms as fast as I can. She hushes immediately. Then I notice Emma, our Golden Retriever, looks a little guilty....and guilty she is. She has pooped right in the middle of the kitchen floor that I just mopped. Piper goes back to the bouncy seat wailing, and I have to drag my 80 pound dog outside because she refuses to go on her own. Stupid dog. Her poop is like freaking horse poop. A house should never see this much poop. It can't possible go in the toilet, so I get my gloves, a trash bag and a roll of paper towels and start picking it up while trying not to hurl - I don't need another mess to clean up. The whole time I'm cleaning the mess, Tyler is yelling, "Mama, more juice. MAMA, MORE JUICE!" and Piper is crying so hard she can't breathe. I want to cry too, but I laugh instead. After practically boiling my hands in the sink, I cuddle up with Piper and Tyler in the rocking chair for an afternoon nap. I don't think any of those REAL HOUSEWIVES have ever had an afternoon quite like the one I just had.

REAL HOUSEWIVES don't pay cash for a new Escalade or buy their daughters $1500 handbags. REAL HOUSEWIVES don't spend their days taking bubble baths and pretending to clean the house in a sexy maid's costume. REAL HOUSEWIVES deal with screaming, misbehaving children and pooping dogs, and they love every minute of it!! I am a "real housewife."

Love

2008-10-20T22:58:00.006-05:00

I was just talking about Mark with a friend tonight and I realized something. He is such a great example of how to love people. He loves me no matter what. He can get mad at me (even though that's very rare) and still love me, and he can forgive so quickly. I think early in our marriage I tried so hard to be perfect because I was afraid he would leave me if I wasn't. I've always been a perfectionist since I was a kid. Anyway, I finally realized that he loved me no matter what and he was committed to me no matter what. I know he will always be here for me...he's my rock. I think he's the best example in my life of God's love. God's love is always there, always forgiving, committed, and even more because He's not restricted by our human limitations.

Setback

2008-10-18T06:10:00.002-05:00

Well, Satan is alive and well. After having a pretty good week and feeling a little proud about it, I hit a roadblock yesterday. I got my feelings hurt over something very small, but nevertheless, it hurt my feelings. I knew this was my chance to forgive and move on. Life is short, love the people that are close to you no matter what, no matter what you "feel" like doing. I knew this, and I knew I should pray and ask for God's help, but I wanted to pout. I clammed up, kept to myself the rest of the day, and did not "love boldly," and the saddest thing is, I didn't care. I was blatantly sinning, and I didn't care. Why are things harder on some days than others? I pray that today is a better day.

Charlie Brown's Character

2008-10-17T07:56:00.004-05:00

I can't remember the name of that character on Charlie Brown who has the dirt following him everywhere, but I've really focused this week on praying that the Holy Spirit would follow me like that and rub off on the people around me. In dealing with families who have experienced major trauma and horrible loss, I've prayed and prayed for their comfort, that God would just love them and wrap his arms around them so that they would know the healing power of God's love. The little time that I'm with these families, I want my presence to be a comfort to them as well, not in my own power of course, but through the Holy Spirit.

In the midst of dealing with all of the heartache around me, I've been forced to think about how this life is short, and we're really not entitled to anything here on Earth. We're here to work for the Kingdom of God. Everything He gives us is a gift that He may or may not take away at some point. i.e. a child. The authors of "Bold Love" state, "We will not be free to love until the cliche 'this is not our home' becomes real. .... If I do not anticipate the regularity and tragedy of sin, I unavoidably come to believe this world is my home...... People who see a better home ahead are able to welcome what is not currently enjoyed."

Philippians 1:21-24 states "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know. I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body." I have clung to this verse so many times and in so many different ways in my life. For a long time as a teenager and young adult, I focused on how Paul wanted to go home with Christ...I longed for Heaven and wanted to escape the hurt of this world. Now that I have children and a family that depends on me, I want to stay here because it's better for me to be here with them than in the comforts of Heaven. I fully understand Paul's dilemma now. I want to stay here to serve Christ through my family as long as I can.

I can be joyful in the midst of tragedy knowing that this is not my home, and I'm only here for a little while. I need to work as hard as I can to further the Kingdom of God while I'm here.

Lastly, the authors of "Bold Love" capture the essence of the Charlie Brown character illustration, "Our central calling is to provoke through smell. It is through us that the fragrance of the knowledge of God slips through the hard, encrusted walls of denial and hatred in others, and beckons the soul to relinquish its fortress to God."

Comfort

2008-10-10T09:12:00.004-05:00

The last week has been a very rough, emotional week for me. One of my students' brother died in a car accident, I met my new student who is homebound due to cancer, and we decided this week to file suit with our insurance company because they're refusing to pay for a surgery my husband had. Mark has been busy with the lawsuit and work all week, so when I'm home, I take care of the kids, dogs, house, etc. I'm tired, and I feel like a single parent sometimes. I know that's not Mark's fault..I don't blame him in any way. He's doing what needs to be done, but it's still hard on me.

And I'm so saddened by the lives of my students right now. I can't imagine losing a brother. And I can't imaging having a child in middle school who was strong and healthy 2 months ago and is now stricken with cancer and so weak that even writing a sentence tires her out.

So that said, I found myself several times this week seeking comfort in other things instead of going straight to God. Food, shopping, TV, whatever...it's comforting and makes us feel good, but should we really expect these things to last and sooth our soul for any amount of time? During these times when I feel overwhelmed and need comfort, I should be turning to Him, not my creature comforts. He invites me to "wrestle" with Him and learn how to get what I need from Him, not things of this earth. It's so much easier to get my nails done or have some ice cream than to sit down and talk to God and let Him comfort me. What if it's not enough? What if it's hard? What if He makes me do things I don't want to do? That's all part of this journey, and it is hard. I will "wrestle" with Him and learn how to trust Him instead of turning to the world for comfort.

Struggle

2008-10-10T08:57:00.005-05:00

So I've been reading "Bold Love" by Allender and Longman. The last several days, the reading has focused on sin and overcoming sin in our own lives in order to love more fully. If we can see what an incredible gift God has given us in his Son, then our world changes. When I think about the sin in my life and how Jesus gave His life so that I wouldn't be punished, it puts things in perspective. Could I ever love someone that much? My immediate answer is yes, but then I think of how slow I am to forgive very small things sometimes. I don't know. I don't fully understand the role of sin and love, but I'll get there.

I've also been reading about the struggles of Job and Jacob in the Bible. These very different men were both wrestling with God. They were struggling with Him, and God welcomed that. He didn't chastise them for asking questions or battling with Him (Jacob "wrestled" more with God than Job did) because He knew that this struggle was making them stronger, better, more refined, more like Him. The authors of "Bold Love" put it this way, "Job, Jacob, and I have the same privilege - as arrogant and deceitful people, we can wrestle with God, knowing that we will not be destroyed.....I will not be punished - disciplined perhaps, but never condemned." Thank You God that you let me question and get angry and be human and You still love me and forgive me. God honors our struggle with Him.

This is my prayer for me and everyone I know, "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19.

How to Love

2008-10-02T07:15:00.003-05:00

So there are lots of verses in the Bible that tell us to LOVE, but not a lot of verses telling us specifically HOW to love. So I've decided to keep a list going of ways to show my love for my family....simple, everyday things that tell them I love them. If you're reading this and think of some of your own, please add them! I could use all the help I can get.

Ways to show my love for my family:

Greet them as soon as I come home or as soon as they come home
physical affection throughout the day (I'm good about this with Tyler and Piper, but not as much with Mark)
Little surprises now and then (like a little toy or a special treat from the grocery store)
Let Mark sleep late
Make a favorite meal or desert
Spend time with Mark at the end of the day when I really just want to go to sleep (one of his love languages is quality time....if you haven't read "The 5 Love Languages," I strongly recommend it!)
Play a video game with Mark (yuck, but he likes it when I show an interest in what he's doing)

More to come I'm sure...out of time right now!

Tyler

2008-09-30T22:17:00.000-05:00

Tyler scared the crap out of me tonight. He was being his hyper self and climbing on top of the couch when all of a sudden he fell head first onto the floor behind the couch. I was standing right there and still couldn't move fast enough to keep him from falling. The top of his head hit the floor first, and I was mortified. I thought for minute he might have broken his neck. He cried for minute or two and then he was fine. I, on the other hand, was calm on the outside but hysterical on the inside. I pray he is okay. I'm so thankful for my Tyler. At the moment of his fall, I thought about how devastated I would be without him and how thankful I would be for his strong-will and stubbornness. I love everything about him, and I pray for God's protection over him.

Once Tyler calmed down, all he wanted to do was hold Piper. He adores her, and she was the one thing he wanted to comfort him after his fall. He held her and kissed her and then took her pacifier and put it in his mouth! Silly boy! He may be a handful at times, but he can be so compassionate and sweet too.

Simple things

2008-09-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

It was brought to my attention yesterday that I don't stop what I'm doing and greet Mark when he comes home from work. I didn't even realize I wasn't doing this. What a simple way to show someone you love them...stop what you're doing long enough to greet him and ask him how his day was. I realize I tend to get bogged down "doing" things instead of paying attention to people. I work so hard to have a clean, neat house with the laundry done and the beds made, etc., that we would probably all benefit from me taking a break from "doing" and just enjoy spending time with the ones I love. Must remember this!

In reading "Bold Love" today, there is a chapter on hating God. I almost wanted to skip this chapter. I don't HATE God. I don't know of any Christians who do. But the authors explain it like this..."There are times I know that I want to say an unkind word to my wife because she has hurt me....At that moment, I know God will be grieved by my sin, but I don't care. Revenge seems like it will be sweet enough to warrant the anguish I will cause all parties concerned. This is reprehensible hatred of my wife and God." (page 53).

The authors also write "our opposition to God is not a conscious act of rebellion, but an unwitting resolve to take care of our pain in our own strength." (page 53). This hit a nerve. I definitely try to take care of my pain on my own instead of asking Him for help and trusting Him to help me. Our sin is what keeps us from loving boldly. God, please continue to show me the sin in my life that is keeping me from loving like You.

Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

2008-09-28T16:01:00.000-05:00

Tyler is my precious little boy. I love him beyond belief, but I have to say that even after my many years in education, he is one of the most difficult children I've ever known. He has been "high-maintenance" since Day One. He was a preemie, and most preemies have some problems with sensory integration. Tyler is no exception. Without going into too many details, he was a very fussy baby and is still a fussy child. He gets overwhelmed very easily and has always had a difficult time self-soothing. And now that he's two, he's really testing the limits (I know every 2 year old does this, but I swear he's worse than most!).

I try to be consistent in my discipline. I've read the books, I do my best with him, and yet I feel like such a failure of a parent sometimes. Are you supposed to be consistent to the point of spending the majority of the day in time-out? Seriously, nothing seems to be getting through to him. I want to discipline him in a way that he'll learn right from wrong without getting his spirit broken. He seems to be the kind of child who needs the firmest, hardest discipline techniques, but I'm terrified of breaking his spirit.

So I deal with that dilemma daily, and then I hear other people say I should do this or that and their children behave so much better, and it makes me crazy mad!! They have no idea. I would like to challenge those people to take Tyler for 24 hours and see how he is truly different, and it has nothing to do with the way I treat him. I'm doing the best I can.

This post is purely a vent. I just needed to get that out. I pray that God will show me how to love Tyler and show me how to teach Tyler how to love because he's very physically aggressive lately. I don't even know where his hitting and kicking is coming from because Mark and I are such calm, easy-going people. I want to raise a compassionate, loving child, and I can't help but feel like I'm failing at that right now. All I can say right now is "God help me."

My precious chihuahua starting having seizures again last night, and it took several hours to make them finally stop. It was a rough night, and I didn't get much sleep, and everything always seems worse when you haven't had enough sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in a day or two.

Frustration

2008-09-27T04:51:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was the first day I actually remembered to pray as soon as I woke up in the morning. It made a difference immediately. Thank You God for that. Then later in the day, I was hurt and very upset with someone. It doesn't really matter who or why, but me feelings were hurt...that's the important part, and that's where I struggle to love someone....when they hurt my feelings. I wanted so badly to run away, to get away from this person. Instead, I went in my room with Piper and prayed for God to heal me and help me be loving despite wanting to just retreat into my shell and protect myself the rest of the day.

After a few minutes of prayer and reading, I emerged from our room, from the comfort of my protective shell and expressed my hurt and frustration. It's extremely hard for me to vocalize to someone that they hurt me, but I did it, and the relationship was healed within minutes. In my readings over the last couple of days, I've realized that "bold love" is not always about "turning the other cheek," or just ignoring the things that hurt you. Sometimes confrontation is necessary to improve our relationships with each other and God.

So God helped me through the day, and I was able to end the day feeling pretty good about making a little progress in my spiritual journey. This is definitely not going to be easy, but I have to remember to pray during those times of hurt and frustration. I have so much more to learn.

The Plan

2008-09-24T21:46:00.001-05:00

The Plan for my Spiritual Journey (rough draft)

Objectives:

To love others unconditionally, regardless of their actions or how I feel.
To express love appropriately to people in my life, especially my family.
To not be afraid to love and show love to others.

Daily Goals:

Pray as soon as I wake up for God to show me how I can best love my family and help me do it.
When I am frustrated and don't feel like loving, pray for God's love and direction.
Pray at night for myself (usually I pray more for others) about whatever I may have struggled with that day.
Pray for God to love others through me, that it will not be in my own strength or based on my own personal feelings.
Read the Bible and/or part of a Christian book everyday.
Listen to praise music or sermons in my car at least 3 times a week.
Pray that I will be covered in the Holy Spirit so that others will be touched by the Spirit just by being around me. (Charlie Brown example)
Keep a journal of my journey (this blog)...not necessarily daily, but whenever I can.

People I know that are good examples for me:
Lexi, Pam, Martha, Mark

What is the problem?

2008-09-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

You might wonder why I need a spiritual journey to learn how to love like Christ loves. I'm pretty good at loving other people no matter what. I can see past their faults and love them for who they are. Most people from church and school would probably say I'm a pretty loving, caring person. The trouble comes with my family, those I care about the most. For some reason, it's harder for me to love and accept them for who they are, especially when that can cause me pain.

I'm a very sensitive person, and when I get my feelings hurt by someone I love, I tend to pull away and detach from that person. This is not ideal in any relationship, but especially in marriage. Mark and I have a great marriage, but I admit that when he hurts my feelings (usually unintentionally), I withdraw. I don't want to be affectionate, loving, or vulnerable...I can be cold. This is what I want to change. How hard is it to be vulnerable and love someone so deeply when it can so easily lead to pain? I want to love despite the possibility of pain. I want Mark and my children to leave this world knowing that I loved them deeply with no exceptions and no hesitations. I pray that God will not only teach me how to love but that He will also protect my heart during this journey.

As for my children, of course my love for them is beyond description, but in the trenches of motherhood when Tyler is screaming and throwing his toys at me because he has to share my attention with his new little sister, love is not the first thing that comes to my mind. I want to scream back!! I want to disappear. I want him to just be happy. I feel like I'm being attacked....Tyler's screaming because I'm holding Piper, and Piper's screaming because Tyler is scaring her to death. The dogs are chasing each other around the room, and Mark wants to know what's for lunch! Overwhelmed and tired, I long to find love in these moments instead of the overwhelming desire to scream "Leave me alone!".

To begin this journey, I'm reading Bold Love by Dr. Dan B. Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III. Amazing book already! The authors define Bold Love as "courageously setting aside our personal agenda to move humbly into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and an aroma of death to others."

Another awesome quote from the book..."I will not live with purpose and joy unless I love; I will not be able to love unless I forgive; and I will not forgive unless my hatred is continually melted by the searing truth and grace of the gospel. ...... Love is unquestionably the highest calling a person can pursue."

Last thought for the night, the authors encourage the reader to ask this question, "Is love the most prized possession in our home, the most cherished character trait we pursue, and the most central lesson we teach in all that we do?" We need not only to be an example of Christ's love for our children, but we are also called to actively teach God's love to them. Love is not passive. We must actively make it a priority in our homes.

Welcome to my Blog

2008-09-24T08:11:00.000-05:00

So I'm mainly starting a blog for my own benefit. It helps to write things down, and doing it on the computer is so much easier than pencil and paper. My friend, Pam, has encouraged me (and many others) to write a "spiritual journey." Basically, my spiritual journey is something I want to do to help me live more like Christ. I've chosen to focus, for at least the next 90 days, on learning how to love like Jesus loves. I know we can never fully grasp the amazing, unconditional love of Jesus Christ, but I want to love people the way He loves them, unconditionally.

I find myself so often feeling hurt or frustrated and allowing my feelings to influence how I love those around me. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to love even when I don't "feel" like it. This is more important than ever right now as I am now trying to balance my roles as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher, etc. Being a wife and mother are my most important roles, and I want my family to feel loved no matter what. God has given me a huge responsibility to care for Tyler and Piper and Mark too, and I want honor what He's given me. So my journey is to learn to love those around me, especially my family. I'll write notes on how my studies are going, about my triumphs and failures, and I'll have to include a section on my daily family life. Tyler and Piper do the cutest things, and I want to document that as we go. I pray that this will be an amazing learning experience for me and that I will learn to love as God has called us to love.