1.I can't resist a chili's turkey sandwich, fries, and their chocolate chip molten cake.
2. I am a huge Twilight fan. Best books ever.
3. I love taking pictures but hate being in them.
4. I love being a mommy, and I try to read lots of books to help me be a better one because at the end of the day, I tend to focus on all of the mistakes I've made.
5. I am afraid of the dark and terrified of frogs...don't know why, just am.
6. I just finished reading "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson and "Disciplines of a Godly Family" by Kent and Barbara Hughes.....highly recommend both of them!
7. I love all things J.Crew.
8. Home is my absolute favorite place to be, and I hope that it's also my family's favorite place to be.
9. I am a girly-girl, and I can't wait for Piper to start playing with Barbies and baby dolls!!
10. I love to write and hope to somehow make money doing it someday.
11. The Girls Next Door is one of my favorite shows, but Mark doesn't want anyone to know that.
12. Baking chocolate chip cookies with Tyler is one of my favorite things to do.
13. Both of my babies were miracles since my body stopped feeding them during the last part of both pregnancies....we might adopt #3.
14. Sometimes when Tyler is overtly disobedient, I laugh....and I'm okay with that.
15. I love to scrapbook, but I can't seem to stay caught up with 2 little ones demanding my attention.
16. Hearing Tyler laugh is food for my soul. I wish I could bottle it up and carry it with me wherever I go.
17. I was supposed to stay at home and not work this school year, but I've been working about 15 hours a week teaching children who are too sick to go to school. Although I love being home with my babies, God obviously needs me somewhere else as well. I have students with terminal illnesses, and I come home everyday thanking God for my healthy children and pleading that He will keep them that way.
18. I used to lay down and play dead at the hint of an argument, but after 8 year of being married to Mark, I'm pretty dang good at it....bring it on!! Those of you that know Mark know what I'm talking about. ; -)
19. I cried during the entire last half of "Marley and Me." My sister was totally embarrassed.
20. I listen to Christmas music all through the year (not everyday, but often). It makes me happy.
21. A messy house really stresses me out.
22. I've tried to convince Mark that I could really help the economy by supporting the local nail salon and get a mani-pedi once a month. So far, he's not convinced.
23. I don't understand mean people. What's the point?
24. I love art, and I try to bring out my inner artist whenever I get the chance.
25. I cry every time we pass through Round Rock. Leaving the only home I ever knew as a junior in high school was devastating and almost killed me.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Jesus
I saw Lauren today, as I do everyday now. We read, and I tell her funny stories about Tyler and Piper. But mostly we just read. She sleeps a lot now, but her nurse says she can still hear me when she looks like she's sleeping, so I read because I hope it has become a bright spot in her day as it has mine. Today, I stopped reading for a moment. Lauren was obviously asleep. I looked around the room for a minute wondering why I felt the urge to stop reading. Her mom has adorned the bedroom with crosses and crucifixes, all of which I've seen before, but today felt different. As I glanced from cross to cross, I felt the presence of Jesus as I never have before. I felt like He was standing right there next to Lauren...I could all but see Him. I know Jesus is always with us, but this felt different. I think if Lauren had opened her eyes, she would have seen Him standing there (she's seen Him recently and described the event in great detail). It was amazing and terrifying at the same time. The only thing I could do was be still...I didn't move or think or talk...I was just still for a few moments. Then I thought, "Oh God, please don't take her." That's all I could pray. Other than that, my mind was completely blank. A few seconds later, Lauren began to awaken, so I picked up the book again and started reading where we left off. Today was a gift. Thank You Jesus for helping me see how close You really are.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Need to have some fun
My heart is so heavy right now. I am in desperate need of a fun night out where I don't have to think about parenting, students, money or anything responsible.
I think my spiritual journey has been somewhat successful. I've learned a lot and prayed a lot, but I could have done better and been more disciplined about sticking to my plan. I'm going to take a break from all of the "rules" of my spiritual journey and just try to enjoy life right now. For some reason, joy has been hard to find in the last few months. I'd like to try the journey again later, but for now I need to take it easy.
I think my spiritual journey has been somewhat successful. I've learned a lot and prayed a lot, but I could have done better and been more disciplined about sticking to my plan. I'm going to take a break from all of the "rules" of my spiritual journey and just try to enjoy life right now. For some reason, joy has been hard to find in the last few months. I'd like to try the journey again later, but for now I need to take it easy.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Death
Death. I seem to be surrounded by it this year, and it's starting to scare me a little. My student, Derek, lost his brother in a motorcycle accident in Frisco earlier this year. My sister-in-law in Kentucky has had two miscarriages in the last 6 months, and they just found out the baby boy they were planning on adopting from Ethiopia died 2 nights ago. Bless her heart. My grandfather is functioning on 20% of his heart and he's too weak to make it through any kind of surgery, so at Christmas this year, we all spent a little extra time with Papa and gave him extra hugs because we're not sure we'll see him again. And my dog is dying. She has seizures, which are now pretty much under control with medication, but now she's in congestive heart failure and coughs ALL the time. I'm sad for her, and I'm sad that I can't devote more of my attention to her.
And the most heartbreaking of all, my precious student, Lauren, has been battling cancer since July last year. Her dad called to tell me last night that I needed to prepare myself because Lauren probably doesn't have much time left. The men in my life don't cry very often, so it breaks my heart to hear a man cry. Lauren's dad was speechless at one point because he was so overwhelmed with tears. My heart breaks for her family. How do you ever make it through the death of your child? I know God provides what you need when you need it, but I'm ashamed to say that I think my faith would be shaken in I were in these parent's position right now.
I had another homebound student a couple of years ago. She was in liver failure. After 3 different liver transplants, her body rejected all of them. We all knew the prognosis was inevitably death. I knew that. I accepted that. I prayed for comfort and healing for her family. I prayed that she would be happy and not in pain during the rest of her days her on Earth. I prayed for comfort for myself. When it was time to say goodbye, it was still very hard, but I think we had all accepted that fate a long time before it came. The death of a child is horrible whether you know it's going to happen or not, and it was much harder to let Natalie go than I expected.
With Lauren, I know that Cancer can be beaten. It doesn't have to end in death. So my prayer for her has always been that she would be healed, that her family would be spared the grief of losing a child, and that her body would be strong enough to fight this evil disease. I know in my mind that God has answered my prayers, just not in the way I wanted him to. I know in my mind that Lauren will be made perfect very soon when she sees Christ. I know in my mind that nothing here on Earth is "ours," and that God can give an take as he sees fit. But my heart aches beyond belief knowing that God did not spare this child from the pain she's suffering. He did not spare her parents the grief of losing their only baby girl. He did not spare her young brother and her friends the terrible grief of losing someone they love. The very thought of losing one of my own children literally takes my breath away....I can't even breathe just thinking about that possibility.
I can't really say how I would deal with the loss of a child. I hope I never have to experience anything close to that. But I imagine that if I were in this couple's shoes right now, I would be asking a lot of questions that start with the word, "why." Why does she have to suffer? Why are you taking my daughter away from me? Why do we have to hurt so much? Why can't you just heal her? Why, God?
Five months into my pregnancy with Piper, we found out that she had a "possible" heart defect and that raised her chances of having Down's Syndrome. There was a very good chance that Piper was going to have Down's. We called our families immediately to let them know. As a special education teacher, I wasn't sad. Even though it wasn't ideal, I felt prepared to have a child with any kind of disability. After telling our families, I decided it was best not to tell anyone else in my life. I was shocked by some of their reactions and couldn't handle anymore similar reactions. "That would never happen to you." "That doctor's just trying to scare you." "That's just ridicuous." "Oh, we'll still love her." What??? Do you think people PLAN on having a sick child? Do you think couples on their wedding day say, "We're going to have a child die when she's in sixth grade." Do you think when a father looks into his son's eyes for the first time, he thinks, "This child will probably die in a tragic car accident when he's 19 years old,"? No. No one plans on dealing with special needs or the death of a child. But it could happen to ANYONE. Thankfully, Piper was born perfectly healthy. I try very hard to cherish every moment I have with my babies, because if there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that life is uncertain and there are no guarantees.
I held my babies a little closer and little longer last night after I rocked them to sleep. I kissed them a few more times before I laid them in bed, and I prayed thanking God for my beautiful, healthy children. And then I laid in my own bed pleading with God to keep my children healthy and strong, that we might never fully know the pain of losing a child.
And the most heartbreaking of all, my precious student, Lauren, has been battling cancer since July last year. Her dad called to tell me last night that I needed to prepare myself because Lauren probably doesn't have much time left. The men in my life don't cry very often, so it breaks my heart to hear a man cry. Lauren's dad was speechless at one point because he was so overwhelmed with tears. My heart breaks for her family. How do you ever make it through the death of your child? I know God provides what you need when you need it, but I'm ashamed to say that I think my faith would be shaken in I were in these parent's position right now.
I had another homebound student a couple of years ago. She was in liver failure. After 3 different liver transplants, her body rejected all of them. We all knew the prognosis was inevitably death. I knew that. I accepted that. I prayed for comfort and healing for her family. I prayed that she would be happy and not in pain during the rest of her days her on Earth. I prayed for comfort for myself. When it was time to say goodbye, it was still very hard, but I think we had all accepted that fate a long time before it came. The death of a child is horrible whether you know it's going to happen or not, and it was much harder to let Natalie go than I expected.
With Lauren, I know that Cancer can be beaten. It doesn't have to end in death. So my prayer for her has always been that she would be healed, that her family would be spared the grief of losing a child, and that her body would be strong enough to fight this evil disease. I know in my mind that God has answered my prayers, just not in the way I wanted him to. I know in my mind that Lauren will be made perfect very soon when she sees Christ. I know in my mind that nothing here on Earth is "ours," and that God can give an take as he sees fit. But my heart aches beyond belief knowing that God did not spare this child from the pain she's suffering. He did not spare her parents the grief of losing their only baby girl. He did not spare her young brother and her friends the terrible grief of losing someone they love. The very thought of losing one of my own children literally takes my breath away....I can't even breathe just thinking about that possibility.
I can't really say how I would deal with the loss of a child. I hope I never have to experience anything close to that. But I imagine that if I were in this couple's shoes right now, I would be asking a lot of questions that start with the word, "why." Why does she have to suffer? Why are you taking my daughter away from me? Why do we have to hurt so much? Why can't you just heal her? Why, God?
Five months into my pregnancy with Piper, we found out that she had a "possible" heart defect and that raised her chances of having Down's Syndrome. There was a very good chance that Piper was going to have Down's. We called our families immediately to let them know. As a special education teacher, I wasn't sad. Even though it wasn't ideal, I felt prepared to have a child with any kind of disability. After telling our families, I decided it was best not to tell anyone else in my life. I was shocked by some of their reactions and couldn't handle anymore similar reactions. "That would never happen to you." "That doctor's just trying to scare you." "That's just ridicuous." "Oh, we'll still love her." What??? Do you think people PLAN on having a sick child? Do you think couples on their wedding day say, "We're going to have a child die when she's in sixth grade." Do you think when a father looks into his son's eyes for the first time, he thinks, "This child will probably die in a tragic car accident when he's 19 years old,"? No. No one plans on dealing with special needs or the death of a child. But it could happen to ANYONE. Thankfully, Piper was born perfectly healthy. I try very hard to cherish every moment I have with my babies, because if there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that life is uncertain and there are no guarantees.
I held my babies a little closer and little longer last night after I rocked them to sleep. I kissed them a few more times before I laid them in bed, and I prayed thanking God for my beautiful, healthy children. And then I laid in my own bed pleading with God to keep my children healthy and strong, that we might never fully know the pain of losing a child.
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