The meaning of Christmas

I have always loved everything Christmas. I love the Christmas story. I love the lights. I love being with family. I love the weather. I love the presents. I love the food, and most of all I love the music. I listen to Christmas music year-round because it takes me back to happy places. This year more than any other in my life, I have spent a lot of time wondering about the "meaning" of Christmas. Why do we give gifts and put lights up and eat special food? Do we really need all of that to celebrate Christ's birth? My conclusion....YES!

I guess this year, I've heard one too many people say, "Christmas is not about the gifts," or "we've made this holiday into something it's not." I whole-heartedly disagree with these statements. Christmas is absolutely about giving, and I think it should be the biggest celebration anyone has all year. God GAVE us Christ, His Son. He gave him to us as the ultimate gift, and we celebrate that every year by giving to others. What should we celebrate more in our lives than the gift of Christ?

Is Christmas about getting the latest technology or the biggest diamond or the latest toy? No, that's not what I'm saying. But it IS about us seaking out the perfect present for the ones we love, just like God gave the perfect present to the ones He loves. It's the time of year when we show those closest to us how much we love them by giving, just as God gave so many years ago. Think of the joy God experienced by giving us His Son. Think of the joy you feel when you have the opportunity to give someone something special. It's unmistakably, unequivacably priceless.

Now that I have children, Christmas is even more meaningful and more exciting. I absolutely can't wait to see Tyler's face when he sees his Thomas the Tank Engine boots that he runs to every time we walk through Nordstrom's. I can't wait to see Matthew's face when he opens his personalized popcorn bowl filled with goodies. And I can't wait to see Mom and Dad's face as they open the one-of-a-kind vase that was hand-painted by Tyler himself. The Thomas boots, the popcorn bowl, and the vase are the perfect gifts for each of these special people. And what joy it brings me to be able to give the perfect gift as a celebration of Christ's birth. Did I have to be creative in finding ways to fund our Christmas giving? Absolutely. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Do I wish I could have given so much more? Absolutely.

Should Christmas be solely about the presents and lights and music and good food? No, but should Christmas still include all those thing? Absolutely. Mark and I don't make much money, and for a couple of years, I've considered asking if we could just not give or receive gifts from anyone so that we're not so financially strained. Thankfully, we've never actually gone through with it. Although the budget is super-tight, giving is part of Christmas, a necessary and wonderful part of Christmas.

We have some other family members that have decided that Christmas is not about the gifts, and they don't give for Christmas. That makes me sad, and until recently, I didn't know why it made me so sad. Now I know.....they're missing out! I don't care whether or not I get a present, but those people who choose not to give are missing out on the true meaning of Christmas. Why do we strain our budgets? Why do we wake up at 4:00 in the morning to get "THE toy" for the year? Why do we spend late nights meticulously wrapping every present? Why? Because I believe that's what God wants us to do. He wants us to give unselfishly and unconditionally, just as He did, and He wants us to experience the priceless joy of giving in celebration of His Son's miraculous birth.

THAT Mom

I am that mom that other mom's look at and say, "Oh, that poor girl has her hands full today." I am that mom that makes childless people say, "She needs to spank his butt." And I am that mom who the store clerks are VERY relieved to see leaving the building. I took Tyler and Piper shopping today so Tyler could pick out something to give Mark and Piper for Christmas. Even though he's only 2, I think it's important for him to experience the "giving" side of Christmas.

So we went to the mall this morning. First he picked out (with some direction from me!) a sweet little baby doll for Piper. He gladly took the money out of my wallet and gave it to the sales associate. Perfect. "We're learning to give," I thought. This is greatness.

Then we head to another store to pick out something simple for Mark. I know that when I go shopping with Tyler, not only do I have to have a bag of tricks to keep him happy (i.e., cookies, crackers, juice, a toy or two, and some candy only meant for dire emergencies.), but I also have very limited time. He's only good for about 45 minutes, and then the monster starts to emerge.

Well, the monster came earlier than expected and my bag of tricks was futile. He wanted to RUN. "Run, Mama!" I ended up holding his little screaming self while I quickly suggested a few items for Daddy and we were off to the register. I was not ready to go, but Tyler was, and I was about to lose my patience. Apparently, the sweet girl behind the counter felt my pain. She asked the other associate to get me some water. That is so sad. You offer water to people who have just run a marathon or just got finished with a major work-out. Seriously, she offered me water! And you know what, I took it and drank it. I drank it all. She gave Tyler a sticker and let him play with the credit card swiping machine while I checked out.

All the way out the mall, people were parting ways and opening doors for me, most of them with sympathetic smiles on their faces. After carrying a screaming Tyler (no idea why he was screaming...I don't think he knew either) all the way to car, I buckled everyone in including myself and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking. My body was fatigued, like I had just run a marathon. I guess I really did need that water.

Christmas shopping. I think I'll go Tyler-less next time. He can learn to give next year. ; -)
Later, when we got home and all was calm, I called the store where we were shopping for Mark and thanked them for being so kind and patient and for not making me feel like they were secretly wishing I would just leave.

Is it bedtime yet?

hard time

I am having a very hard time being happy right now. I can't really explain it, but if you're reading this, please pray for me.

Light Bulb...or maybe not

I am constantly observing other mothers to see what I can learn from them, how they react to different situations and dilemmas. Some are definitely better examples than others. I read somewhere this weekend that children don't need a neat and tidy house that looks perfect all the time; they don't really care about all of those menial tasks that we moms keep ourselves busy doing all day. They want our time and attention. They want to play with us, to laugh and giggle with us. When I read this, I thought, "Oh! I can do that. Forget the housework and just enjoy being with Tyler and Piper. Easy." The light bulb went on....then it went right back off.

It wasn't as easy as I expected. I'm such a Martha....busy, busy, busy doing things: cleaning, laundry, making the beds, cleaning some more, baking treats for people, vacuuming, dusting, brushing the dogs so they don't shed too much, and the list goes on. I want a clean, tidy house, and I assume everyone else in the house does too. While all of those things need to be done at some point, a pristine house at the expense of spending time with my children reading, cooking, playing with play dough, coloring, or walking to the park, is not worth it. My time is much better spent teaching and loving my children through quality time. I understand that.... But it's SO hard to put down the duster and the vacuum. How weird is that?? When I know something needs to be done, I have this unforgiving urge to get done RIGHT NOW. What's even crazier is that when I see other people doing this same exact thing, "doing" instead of enjoying quality time with someone, I am completely annoyed by their stupidity. Another light bulb!! Wow. I pray that God will help me focus on spending more "quality" time with my children and not being so obsessed with keeping a perfect house. This must be fixed!

On a separate note, it's that time of year when we're surrounded by family....lots and lots of family. This used to be the most exciting thing for me about the holidays, seeing family, but now I think it just makes me nervous and stresses me out. I LOVE my family and my in-laws, but I guess I'm one of those people who likes things in moderation. Holidays with our family do not come in size "moderation." They are big and loud and busy and I'm about to have a panic attack just thinking about spending 5 days in Alabama with my in-laws. Oh God, please help me be happy, gracious, and loving. Give me strength, compassion, wisdom, and self-confidence.

God's Will

Every night I go to bed thinking about how I could have been a better parent that day. I go to bed guilt-ridden and sad every night over the mistakes I made that day. I know this is not God's will for me, and I've prayed and prayed about it. It's not like I make horrible, huge mistakes, but I just feel like I let Tyler and Piper down at some point during the day. They are both so young and so dependent, and Tyler is still incredibly jealous of Piper. He does everything in his power to get my attention when I am caring for Piper. And I make sure he gets one-on-one time with me everyday, but it never seems to be enough for him. He just does not like it when I hold Piper. It's frustrating and infuriating and sad and I don't always know how to handle his tantrums. I feel bad that he's hurting and needing more than I can give, and I feel bad for Piper because Tyler scares her and my time with her is constantly interrupted by Tyler's tantrums.

And I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate reading the Bible and praying with Tyler during the day. With Mark gone in the evenings, it just seems like time gets away from me and it doesn't get done everyday. We always pray before meals and before bedtime, but it seems like reading the Bible just hasn't become part of our daily routine yet, and that's frustrating too. Why can't I get it right??? How hard is it?

How do I go to bed every night in peace instead of guilt-ridden? How do I give 100% to both Tyler and Piper? Maybe the perfectionist in me is trying to take over....maybe not...I don't know, but I know I'm weary and need answers. God help me. (I say that a lot lately.)

Santa

I took Tyler and Piper to have their picture made with Santa early this year before the lines get insanely long (and I had a coupon that was only good until Thanksgiving). Santa at Willow Bend Mall is amazing. He's so nice and you have to go through this little "Polar Express" village and a giant snow globe to get to Santa. Tyler loved the fake falling snow and even tried to catch some with his tongue....silly boy. We got a couple of really adorable photos and when it was time to leave, Tyler said, "Bye, HO!" It was hilarious. Santa took it pretty well with a big grin on his face.

Love

Mark and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this weekend, and I realized something. He made a silly joke on Saturday that it had been a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG 8 years, and I just laughed. He said that 8 years ago I wouldn't have laughed and now I know how to take a joke. He's right. I thought about that for a minute and realized that early in our marriage, I thought if he said anything negative, that meant he wasn't happy with me and wanted to leave. Not because this was the truth of the situation but because that was just how I knew love. I thought love depended on the mood or how you felt about a person...I didn't understand the "unconditional" part. Our love in our marriage is different....I feel completely secure in Mark's love for me. He's not going to leave or withhold his love if I upset him. THAT is how I want my children (and my husband) to feel....like my love is always there without question, regardless of their actions. God show me how to do that.

In Sally Clarkson's "The Mission of Motherhood", she writes, "When we face the Lord at the end of our lives, he will ask us, 'What did you do with those precious eternal human beings that I entrusted into your hands? Did you sacrifice your own life to give them my life? Did you pass on my purposes? Did you do the work in your children that will result in praise to my name throughout all of eternity?'" I want to ask myself these questions everyday. I have so much to learn.

Sick

UGH....everyone in my house is sick....except me. I taught Pre-k for 2 years and was literally sick for 2 years straight. I'm sure with all of the bodily fluids I had to deal with in those 2 years, I was exposed to all kinds of nasty germs. Now I think I'm completely immune to everything! Now that we have children, Mark gets sick whenever they get sick. And he seriously puts me over the edge. I can handle taking care of my children when they're not feeling well, but Mark is a bigger baby than both of them combined, and I am CONSTANTLY praying for God to give me patience with him. If I get sick, I still do everything I always to...clean, wash clothes, give baths, dress the children, prepare food, work....I honestly think Mark needs the whole world to stop and acknowledge that he has a little tickle in his throat. I really just want to tell him to shut up and take some medicine. Oh God, help me be more compassionate and patient. Forgive my horrible attitude, and please make it better!!

Christmas

I was just starting to get stressed about the holidays...dividing time with family, gifts, money (that's the big stressor), etc. when I decided to go ahead and pull out a few Christmas decorations to lighten my mood. I grabbed a string of lights and hung them around our dining room windows. The next thing I know, Tyler is racing up to me shouting, "Mommy!! WOW!!!" He was mesmerized by the lights. So I pulled out a few more decorations, and one thing led to another as Tyler's excitement grew, and now much to Tyler's (and my) satisfaction, our entire house is decorated for Christmas - minus the tree. Mark might have a heart attack if we put the tree up this early. Every time I would get something new out, Tyler exclaimed, "WOW!!" So sweet. He even decorated his own mini-tree in his room with lights, tinsel, and puppy ornaments (his room is decorated in puppies). He was so proud, and we have about 2 thousand toys or music boxes that play Christmas carols, so those have been going off spontaniously throughout the day as Tyler discovers how they all work.

Yes, money is tight, and Christmastime is always a little stressful for us adults, but I pray that God will lighten my heart and help me see the season for what it really is, a celebration of Jesus's birth.

Falling behind

I'm totally falling behind on my spiritual journey. I was very excited and dedicated at first, but now I just haven't been putting in the same amount of effort. I haven't been reading the Bible or studying anything, and I'm just exhausted by the end of the day. I want to get back into it, but I'm tired, physically and mentally.

Real Housewives??

I am a "real housewife." I have seen those shows...."The Real Housewives of Orange County," "The Real Housewives of New York City," and "The Read Housewives of Atlanta," and I am here to say that they are NOT REAL HOUSEWIVES!!!! Let me tell you what a real housewife deals with. Let me share just a glimpse of my day today.

This morning was great...I dusted, mopped, vacuumed, the house was clean and the kids were happy. So I'm having a moment to myself talking to a friend on the phone. Tyler was content in my room watching a video and Piper was resting peacefully in my lap. Well, after about 5 minutes of sitting in the study, I walk into the living room to sit down and continue my conversation when low and behold, Tyler is no longer watching his movie. He's having a grand old time picking up the dog food with a spatula and tossing it all over the kitchen. There was literally dog food ALL OVER MY KITCHEN!!!!!!!!

I took a deep breath, put Piper in her bouncy seat, and calmly told Tyler to help me pick up the dog food. I don't have a broom, so Tyler and I cleaned it all up with our bare hands. Yuck. (I will be investing in a broom very soon!!) Now he had no trouble spreading the entire bowl all over the kitchen in a matter of minutes, but when told to pick it up and put it all back in the bowl, he did it piece by piece, and anytime I turned my back on him, he was back in my room watching Madagascar! NOW he wants to watch the movie. UGH!!! In the meantime, Piper, my little angel baby who hardly ever cries, is wailing in her bouncy seat.

So we finally get all the food picked up and I grab the mop to clean the floor real quick so I can hurry up and pick up poor little Piper. I finish my second mopping job for the day, put the mop away, and return to the kitchen and swoop Piper up in my arms as fast as I can. She hushes immediately. Then I notice Emma, our Golden Retriever, looks a little guilty....and guilty she is. She has pooped right in the middle of the kitchen floor that I just mopped. Piper goes back to the bouncy seat wailing, and I have to drag my 80 pound dog outside because she refuses to go on her own. Stupid dog. Her poop is like freaking horse poop. A house should never see this much poop. It can't possible go in the toilet, so I get my gloves, a trash bag and a roll of paper towels and start picking it up while trying not to hurl - I don't need another mess to clean up. The whole time I'm cleaning the mess, Tyler is yelling, "Mama, more juice. MAMA, MORE JUICE!" and Piper is crying so hard she can't breathe. I want to cry too, but I laugh instead. After practically boiling my hands in the sink, I cuddle up with Piper and Tyler in the rocking chair for an afternoon nap. I don't think any of those REAL HOUSEWIVES have ever had an afternoon quite like the one I just had.

REAL HOUSEWIVES don't pay cash for a new Escalade or buy their daughters $1500 handbags. REAL HOUSEWIVES don't spend their days taking bubble baths and pretending to clean the house in a sexy maid's costume. REAL HOUSEWIVES deal with screaming, misbehaving children and pooping dogs, and they love every minute of it!! I am a "real housewife."

Love

I was just talking about Mark with a friend tonight and I realized something. He is such a great example of how to love people. He loves me no matter what. He can get mad at me (even though that's very rare) and still love me, and he can forgive so quickly. I think early in our marriage I tried so hard to be perfect because I was afraid he would leave me if I wasn't. I've always been a perfectionist since I was a kid. Anyway, I finally realized that he loved me no matter what and he was committed to me no matter what. I know he will always be here for me...he's my rock. I think he's the best example in my life of God's love. God's love is always there, always forgiving, committed, and even more because He's not restricted by our human limitations.

Setback

Well, Satan is alive and well. After having a pretty good week and feeling a little proud about it, I hit a roadblock yesterday. I got my feelings hurt over something very small, but nevertheless, it hurt my feelings. I knew this was my chance to forgive and move on. Life is short, love the people that are close to you no matter what, no matter what you "feel" like doing. I knew this, and I knew I should pray and ask for God's help, but I wanted to pout. I clammed up, kept to myself the rest of the day, and did not "love boldly," and the saddest thing is, I didn't care. I was blatantly sinning, and I didn't care. Why are things harder on some days than others? I pray that today is a better day.

Charlie Brown's Character

I can't remember the name of that character on Charlie Brown who has the dirt following him everywhere, but I've really focused this week on praying that the Holy Spirit would follow me like that and rub off on the people around me. In dealing with families who have experienced major trauma and horrible loss, I've prayed and prayed for their comfort, that God would just love them and wrap his arms around them so that they would know the healing power of God's love. The little time that I'm with these families, I want my presence to be a comfort to them as well, not in my own power of course, but through the Holy Spirit.

In the midst of dealing with all of the heartache around me, I've been forced to think about how this life is short, and we're really not entitled to anything here on Earth. We're here to work for the Kingdom of God. Everything He gives us is a gift that He may or may not take away at some point. i.e. a child. The authors of "Bold Love" state, "We will not be free to love until the cliche 'this is not our home' becomes real. .... If I do not anticipate the regularity and tragedy of sin, I unavoidably come to believe this world is my home...... People who see a better home ahead are able to welcome what is not currently enjoyed."

Philippians 1:21-24 states "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know. I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body." I have clung to this verse so many times and in so many different ways in my life. For a long time as a teenager and young adult, I focused on how Paul wanted to go home with Christ...I longed for Heaven and wanted to escape the hurt of this world. Now that I have children and a family that depends on me, I want to stay here because it's better for me to be here with them than in the comforts of Heaven. I fully understand Paul's dilemma now. I want to stay here to serve Christ through my family as long as I can.

I can be joyful in the midst of tragedy knowing that this is not my home, and I'm only here for a little while. I need to work as hard as I can to further the Kingdom of God while I'm here.

Lastly, the authors of "Bold Love" capture the essence of the Charlie Brown character illustration, "Our central calling is to provoke through smell. It is through us that the fragrance of the knowledge of God slips through the hard, encrusted walls of denial and hatred in others, and beckons the soul to relinquish its fortress to God."

Comfort

The last week has been a very rough, emotional week for me. One of my students' brother died in a car accident, I met my new student who is homebound due to cancer, and we decided this week to file suit with our insurance company because they're refusing to pay for a surgery my husband had. Mark has been busy with the lawsuit and work all week, so when I'm home, I take care of the kids, dogs, house, etc. I'm tired, and I feel like a single parent sometimes. I know that's not Mark's fault..I don't blame him in any way. He's doing what needs to be done, but it's still hard on me.

And I'm so saddened by the lives of my students right now. I can't imagine losing a brother. And I can't imaging having a child in middle school who was strong and healthy 2 months ago and is now stricken with cancer and so weak that even writing a sentence tires her out.

So that said, I found myself several times this week seeking comfort in other things instead of going straight to God. Food, shopping, TV, whatever...it's comforting and makes us feel good, but should we really expect these things to last and sooth our soul for any amount of time? During these times when I feel overwhelmed and need comfort, I should be turning to Him, not my creature comforts. He invites me to "wrestle" with Him and learn how to get what I need from Him, not things of this earth. It's so much easier to get my nails done or have some ice cream than to sit down and talk to God and let Him comfort me. What if it's not enough? What if it's hard? What if He makes me do things I don't want to do? That's all part of this journey, and it is hard. I will "wrestle" with Him and learn how to trust Him instead of turning to the world for comfort.

Struggle

So I've been reading "Bold Love" by Allender and Longman. The last several days, the reading has focused on sin and overcoming sin in our own lives in order to love more fully. If we can see what an incredible gift God has given us in his Son, then our world changes. When I think about the sin in my life and how Jesus gave His life so that I wouldn't be punished, it puts things in perspective. Could I ever love someone that much? My immediate answer is yes, but then I think of how slow I am to forgive very small things sometimes. I don't know. I don't fully understand the role of sin and love, but I'll get there.

I've also been reading about the struggles of Job and Jacob in the Bible. These very different men were both wrestling with God. They were struggling with Him, and God welcomed that. He didn't chastise them for asking questions or battling with Him (Jacob "wrestled" more with God than Job did) because He knew that this struggle was making them stronger, better, more refined, more like Him. The authors of "Bold Love" put it this way, "Job, Jacob, and I have the same privilege - as arrogant and deceitful people, we can wrestle with God, knowing that we will not be destroyed.....I will not be punished - disciplined perhaps, but never condemned." Thank You God that you let me question and get angry and be human and You still love me and forgive me. God honors our struggle with Him.

This is my prayer for me and everyone I know, "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19.

How to Love

So there are lots of verses in the Bible that tell us to LOVE, but not a lot of verses telling us specifically HOW to love. So I've decided to keep a list going of ways to show my love for my family....simple, everyday things that tell them I love them. If you're reading this and think of some of your own, please add them! I could use all the help I can get.

Ways to show my love for my family:

• Greet them as soon as I come home or as soon as they come home
• physical affection throughout the day (I'm good about this with Tyler and Piper, but not as much with Mark)
• Little surprises now and then (like a little toy or a special treat from the grocery store)
• Let Mark sleep late
• Make a favorite meal or desert
  
• Spend time with Mark at the end of the day when I really just want to go to sleep (one of his love languages is quality time....if you haven't read "The 5 Love Languages," I strongly recommend it!)
• Play a video game with Mark (yuck, but he likes it when I show an interest in what he's doing)

More to come I'm sure...out of time right now!

Tyler

Tyler scared the crap out of me tonight. He was being his hyper self and climbing on top of the couch when all of a sudden he fell head first onto the floor behind the couch. I was standing right there and still couldn't move fast enough to keep him from falling. The top of his head hit the floor first, and I was mortified. I thought for minute he might have broken his neck. He cried for minute or two and then he was fine. I, on the other hand, was calm on the outside but hysterical on the inside. I pray he is okay. I'm so thankful for my Tyler. At the moment of his fall, I thought about how devastated I would be without him and how thankful I would be for his strong-will and stubbornness. I love everything about him, and I pray for God's protection over him.

Once Tyler calmed down, all he wanted to do was hold Piper. He adores her, and she was the one thing he wanted to comfort him after his fall. He held her and kissed her and then took her pacifier and put it in his mouth! Silly boy! He may be a handful at times, but he can be so compassionate and sweet too.

Simple things

It was brought to my attention yesterday that I don't stop what I'm doing and greet Mark when he comes home from work. I didn't even realize I wasn't doing this. What a simple way to show someone you love them...stop what you're doing long enough to greet him and ask him how his day was. I realize I tend to get bogged down "doing" things instead of paying attention to people. I work so hard to have a clean, neat house with the laundry done and the beds made, etc., that we would probably all benefit from me taking a break from "doing" and just enjoy spending time with the ones I love. Must remember this!

In reading "Bold Love" today, there is a chapter on hating God. I almost wanted to skip this chapter. I don't HATE God. I don't know of any Christians who do. But the authors explain it like this..."There are times I know that I want to say an unkind word to my wife because she has hurt me....At that moment, I know God will be grieved by my sin, but I don't care. Revenge seems like it will be sweet enough to warrant the anguish I will cause all parties concerned. This is reprehensible hatred of my wife and God." (page 53).

The authors also write "our opposition to God is not a conscious act of rebellion, but an unwitting resolve to take care of our pain in our own strength." (page 53). This hit a nerve. I definitely try to take care of my pain on my own instead of asking Him for help and trusting Him to help me. Our sin is what keeps us from loving boldly. God, please continue to show me the sin in my life that is keeping me from loving like You.

Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

Tyler is my precious little boy. I love him beyond belief, but I have to say that even after my many years in education, he is one of the most difficult children I've ever known. He has been "high-maintenance" since Day One. He was a preemie, and most preemies have some problems with sensory integration. Tyler is no exception. Without going into too many details, he was a very fussy baby and is still a fussy child. He gets overwhelmed very easily and has always had a difficult time self-soothing. And now that he's two, he's really testing the limits (I know every 2 year old does this, but I swear he's worse than most!).

I try to be consistent in my discipline. I've read the books, I do my best with him, and yet I feel like such a failure of a parent sometimes. Are you supposed to be consistent to the point of spending the majority of the day in time-out? Seriously, nothing seems to be getting through to him. I want to discipline him in a way that he'll learn right from wrong without getting his spirit broken. He seems to be the kind of child who needs the firmest, hardest discipline techniques, but I'm terrified of breaking his spirit.

So I deal with that dilemma daily, and then I hear other people say I should do this or that and their children behave so much better, and it makes me crazy mad!! They have no idea. I would like to challenge those people to take Tyler for 24 hours and see how he is truly different, and it has nothing to do with the way I treat him. I'm doing the best I can.

This post is purely a vent. I just needed to get that out. I pray that God will show me how to love Tyler and show me how to teach Tyler how to love because he's very physically aggressive lately. I don't even know where his hitting and kicking is coming from because Mark and I are such calm, easy-going people. I want to raise a compassionate, loving child, and I can't help but feel like I'm failing at that right now. All I can say right now is "God help me."

My precious chihuahua starting having seizures again last night, and it took several hours to make them finally stop. It was a rough night, and I didn't get much sleep, and everything always seems worse when you haven't had enough sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in a day or two.

Frustration

So yesterday was the first day I actually remembered to pray as soon as I woke up in the morning. It made a difference immediately. Thank You God for that. Then later in the day, I was hurt and very upset with someone. It doesn't really matter who or why, but me feelings were hurt...that's the important part, and that's where I struggle to love someone....when they hurt my feelings. I wanted so badly to run away, to get away from this person. Instead, I went in my room with Piper and prayed for God to heal me and help me be loving despite wanting to just retreat into my shell and protect myself the rest of the day.

After a few minutes of prayer and reading, I emerged from our room, from the comfort of my protective shell and expressed my hurt and frustration. It's extremely hard for me to vocalize to someone that they hurt me, but I did it, and the relationship was healed within minutes. In my readings over the last couple of days, I've realized that "bold love" is not always about "turning the other cheek," or just ignoring the things that hurt you. Sometimes confrontation is necessary to improve our relationships with each other and God.

So God helped me through the day, and I was able to end the day feeling pretty good about making a little progress in my spiritual journey. This is definitely not going to be easy, but I have to remember to pray during those times of hurt and frustration. I have so much more to learn.

The Plan

The Plan for my Spiritual Journey (rough draft)

Objectives:

• To love others unconditionally, regardless of their actions or how I feel.
• To express love appropriately to people in my life, especially my family.
• To not be afraid to love and show love to others.

Daily Goals:

• Pray as soon as I wake up for God to show me how I can best love my family and help me do it.
• When I am frustrated and don't feel like loving, pray for God's love and direction.
• Pray at night for myself (usually I pray more for others) about whatever I may have struggled with that day.
  
• Pray for God to love others through me, that it will not be in my own strength or based on my own personal feelings.
• Read the Bible and/or part of a Christian book everyday.
• Listen to praise music or sermons in my car at least 3 times a week.
• Pray that I will be covered in the Holy Spirit so that others will be touched by the Spirit just by being around me. (Charlie Brown example)
• Keep a journal of my journey (this blog)...not necessarily daily, but whenever I can.

People I know that are good examples for me:
Lexi, Pam, Martha, Mark

What is the problem?

You might wonder why I need a spiritual journey to learn how to love like Christ loves. I'm pretty good at loving other people no matter what. I can see past their faults and love them for who they are. Most people from church and school would probably say I'm a pretty loving, caring person. The trouble comes with my family, those I care about the most. For some reason, it's harder for me to love and accept them for who they are, especially when that can cause me pain.

I'm a very sensitive person, and when I get my feelings hurt by someone I love, I tend to pull away and detach from that person. This is not ideal in any relationship, but especially in marriage. Mark and I have a great marriage, but I admit that when he hurts my feelings (usually unintentionally), I withdraw. I don't want to be affectionate, loving, or vulnerable...I can be cold. This is what I want to change. How hard is it to be vulnerable and love someone so deeply when it can so easily lead to pain? I want to love despite the possibility of pain. I want Mark and my children to leave this world knowing that I loved them deeply with no exceptions and no hesitations. I pray that God will not only teach me how to love but that He will also protect my heart during this journey.

As for my children, of course my love for them is beyond description, but in the trenches of motherhood when Tyler is screaming and throwing his toys at me because he has to share my attention with his new little sister, love is not the first thing that comes to my mind. I want to scream back!! I want to disappear. I want him to just be happy. I feel like I'm being attacked....Tyler's screaming because I'm holding Piper, and Piper's screaming because Tyler is scaring her to death. The dogs are chasing each other around the room, and Mark wants to know what's for lunch! Overwhelmed and tired, I long to find love in these moments instead of the overwhelming desire to scream "Leave me alone!".

To begin this journey, I'm reading Bold Love by Dr. Dan B. Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III. Amazing book already! The authors define Bold Love as "courageously setting aside our personal agenda to move humbly into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and an aroma of death to others."

Another awesome quote from the book..."I will not live with purpose and joy unless I love; I will not be able to love unless I forgive; and I will not forgive unless my hatred is continually melted by the searing truth and grace of the gospel. ...... Love is unquestionably the highest calling a person can pursue."

Last thought for the night, the authors encourage the reader to ask this question, "Is love the most prized possession in our home, the most cherished character trait we pursue, and the most central lesson we teach in all that we do?" We need not only to be an example of Christ's love for our children, but we are also called to actively teach God's love to them. Love is not passive. We must actively make it a priority in our homes.

Welcome to my Blog

So I'm mainly starting a blog for my own benefit. It helps to write things down, and doing it on the computer is so much easier than pencil and paper. My friend, Pam, has encouraged me (and many others) to write a "spiritual journey." Basically, my spiritual journey is something I want to do to help me live more like Christ. I've chosen to focus, for at least the next 90 days, on learning how to love like Jesus loves. I know we can never fully grasp the amazing, unconditional love of Jesus Christ, but I want to love people the way He loves them, unconditionally.

I find myself so often feeling hurt or frustrated and allowing my feelings to influence how I love those around me. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to love even when I don't "feel" like it. This is more important than ever right now as I am now trying to balance my roles as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher, etc. Being a wife and mother are my most important roles, and I want my family to feel loved no matter what. God has given me a huge responsibility to care for Tyler and Piper and Mark too, and I want honor what He's given me. So my journey is to learn to love those around me, especially my family. I'll write notes on how my studies are going, about my triumphs and failures, and I'll have to include a section on my daily family life. Tyler and Piper do the cutest things, and I want to document that as we go. I pray that this will be an amazing learning experience for me and that I will learn to love as God has called us to love.