Light Bulb...or maybe not

I am constantly observing other mothers to see what I can learn from them, how they react to different situations and dilemmas. Some are definitely better examples than others. I read somewhere this weekend that children don't need a neat and tidy house that looks perfect all the time; they don't really care about all of those menial tasks that we moms keep ourselves busy doing all day. They want our time and attention. They want to play with us, to laugh and giggle with us. When I read this, I thought, "Oh! I can do that. Forget the housework and just enjoy being with Tyler and Piper. Easy." The light bulb went on....then it went right back off.

It wasn't as easy as I expected. I'm such a Martha....busy, busy, busy doing things: cleaning, laundry, making the beds, cleaning some more, baking treats for people, vacuuming, dusting, brushing the dogs so they don't shed too much, and the list goes on. I want a clean, tidy house, and I assume everyone else in the house does too. While all of those things need to be done at some point, a pristine house at the expense of spending time with my children reading, cooking, playing with play dough, coloring, or walking to the park, is not worth it. My time is much better spent teaching and loving my children through quality time. I understand that.... But it's SO hard to put down the duster and the vacuum. How weird is that?? When I know something needs to be done, I have this unforgiving urge to get done RIGHT NOW. What's even crazier is that when I see other people doing this same exact thing, "doing" instead of enjoying quality time with someone, I am completely annoyed by their stupidity. Another light bulb!! Wow. I pray that God will help me focus on spending more "quality" time with my children and not being so obsessed with keeping a perfect house. This must be fixed!

On a separate note, it's that time of year when we're surrounded by family....lots and lots of family. This used to be the most exciting thing for me about the holidays, seeing family, but now I think it just makes me nervous and stresses me out. I LOVE my family and my in-laws, but I guess I'm one of those people who likes things in moderation. Holidays with our family do not come in size "moderation." They are big and loud and busy and I'm about to have a panic attack just thinking about spending 5 days in Alabama with my in-laws. Oh God, please help me be happy, gracious, and loving. Give me strength, compassion, wisdom, and self-confidence.

God's Will

Every night I go to bed thinking about how I could have been a better parent that day. I go to bed guilt-ridden and sad every night over the mistakes I made that day. I know this is not God's will for me, and I've prayed and prayed about it. It's not like I make horrible, huge mistakes, but I just feel like I let Tyler and Piper down at some point during the day. They are both so young and so dependent, and Tyler is still incredibly jealous of Piper. He does everything in his power to get my attention when I am caring for Piper. And I make sure he gets one-on-one time with me everyday, but it never seems to be enough for him. He just does not like it when I hold Piper. It's frustrating and infuriating and sad and I don't always know how to handle his tantrums. I feel bad that he's hurting and needing more than I can give, and I feel bad for Piper because Tyler scares her and my time with her is constantly interrupted by Tyler's tantrums.

And I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate reading the Bible and praying with Tyler during the day. With Mark gone in the evenings, it just seems like time gets away from me and it doesn't get done everyday. We always pray before meals and before bedtime, but it seems like reading the Bible just hasn't become part of our daily routine yet, and that's frustrating too. Why can't I get it right??? How hard is it?

How do I go to bed every night in peace instead of guilt-ridden? How do I give 100% to both Tyler and Piper? Maybe the perfectionist in me is trying to take over....maybe not...I don't know, but I know I'm weary and need answers. God help me. (I say that a lot lately.)

Santa

I took Tyler and Piper to have their picture made with Santa early this year before the lines get insanely long (and I had a coupon that was only good until Thanksgiving). Santa at Willow Bend Mall is amazing. He's so nice and you have to go through this little "Polar Express" village and a giant snow globe to get to Santa. Tyler loved the fake falling snow and even tried to catch some with his tongue....silly boy. We got a couple of really adorable photos and when it was time to leave, Tyler said, "Bye, HO!" It was hilarious. Santa took it pretty well with a big grin on his face.

Love

Mark and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this weekend, and I realized something. He made a silly joke on Saturday that it had been a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG 8 years, and I just laughed. He said that 8 years ago I wouldn't have laughed and now I know how to take a joke. He's right. I thought about that for a minute and realized that early in our marriage, I thought if he said anything negative, that meant he wasn't happy with me and wanted to leave. Not because this was the truth of the situation but because that was just how I knew love. I thought love depended on the mood or how you felt about a person...I didn't understand the "unconditional" part. Our love in our marriage is different....I feel completely secure in Mark's love for me. He's not going to leave or withhold his love if I upset him. THAT is how I want my children (and my husband) to feel....like my love is always there without question, regardless of their actions. God show me how to do that.

In Sally Clarkson's "The Mission of Motherhood", she writes, "When we face the Lord at the end of our lives, he will ask us, 'What did you do with those precious eternal human beings that I entrusted into your hands? Did you sacrifice your own life to give them my life? Did you pass on my purposes? Did you do the work in your children that will result in praise to my name throughout all of eternity?'" I want to ask myself these questions everyday. I have so much to learn.

Sick

UGH....everyone in my house is sick....except me. I taught Pre-k for 2 years and was literally sick for 2 years straight. I'm sure with all of the bodily fluids I had to deal with in those 2 years, I was exposed to all kinds of nasty germs. Now I think I'm completely immune to everything! Now that we have children, Mark gets sick whenever they get sick. And he seriously puts me over the edge. I can handle taking care of my children when they're not feeling well, but Mark is a bigger baby than both of them combined, and I am CONSTANTLY praying for God to give me patience with him. If I get sick, I still do everything I always to...clean, wash clothes, give baths, dress the children, prepare food, work....I honestly think Mark needs the whole world to stop and acknowledge that he has a little tickle in his throat. I really just want to tell him to shut up and take some medicine. Oh God, help me be more compassionate and patient. Forgive my horrible attitude, and please make it better!!

Christmas

I was just starting to get stressed about the holidays...dividing time with family, gifts, money (that's the big stressor), etc. when I decided to go ahead and pull out a few Christmas decorations to lighten my mood. I grabbed a string of lights and hung them around our dining room windows. The next thing I know, Tyler is racing up to me shouting, "Mommy!! WOW!!!" He was mesmerized by the lights. So I pulled out a few more decorations, and one thing led to another as Tyler's excitement grew, and now much to Tyler's (and my) satisfaction, our entire house is decorated for Christmas - minus the tree. Mark might have a heart attack if we put the tree up this early. Every time I would get something new out, Tyler exclaimed, "WOW!!" So sweet. He even decorated his own mini-tree in his room with lights, tinsel, and puppy ornaments (his room is decorated in puppies). He was so proud, and we have about 2 thousand toys or music boxes that play Christmas carols, so those have been going off spontaniously throughout the day as Tyler discovers how they all work.

Yes, money is tight, and Christmastime is always a little stressful for us adults, but I pray that God will lighten my heart and help me see the season for what it really is, a celebration of Jesus's birth.

Falling behind

I'm totally falling behind on my spiritual journey. I was very excited and dedicated at first, but now I just haven't been putting in the same amount of effort. I haven't been reading the Bible or studying anything, and I'm just exhausted by the end of the day. I want to get back into it, but I'm tired, physically and mentally.