Tyler

Tyler scared the crap out of me tonight. He was being his hyper self and climbing on top of the couch when all of a sudden he fell head first onto the floor behind the couch. I was standing right there and still couldn't move fast enough to keep him from falling. The top of his head hit the floor first, and I was mortified. I thought for minute he might have broken his neck. He cried for minute or two and then he was fine. I, on the other hand, was calm on the outside but hysterical on the inside. I pray he is okay. I'm so thankful for my Tyler. At the moment of his fall, I thought about how devastated I would be without him and how thankful I would be for his strong-will and stubbornness. I love everything about him, and I pray for God's protection over him.

Once Tyler calmed down, all he wanted to do was hold Piper. He adores her, and she was the one thing he wanted to comfort him after his fall. He held her and kissed her and then took her pacifier and put it in his mouth! Silly boy! He may be a handful at times, but he can be so compassionate and sweet too.

Simple things

It was brought to my attention yesterday that I don't stop what I'm doing and greet Mark when he comes home from work. I didn't even realize I wasn't doing this. What a simple way to show someone you love them...stop what you're doing long enough to greet him and ask him how his day was. I realize I tend to get bogged down "doing" things instead of paying attention to people. I work so hard to have a clean, neat house with the laundry done and the beds made, etc., that we would probably all benefit from me taking a break from "doing" and just enjoy spending time with the ones I love. Must remember this!

In reading "Bold Love" today, there is a chapter on hating God. I almost wanted to skip this chapter. I don't HATE God. I don't know of any Christians who do. But the authors explain it like this..."There are times I know that I want to say an unkind word to my wife because she has hurt me....At that moment, I know God will be grieved by my sin, but I don't care. Revenge seems like it will be sweet enough to warrant the anguish I will cause all parties concerned. This is reprehensible hatred of my wife and God." (page 53).

The authors also write "our opposition to God is not a conscious act of rebellion, but an unwitting resolve to take care of our pain in our own strength." (page 53). This hit a nerve. I definitely try to take care of my pain on my own instead of asking Him for help and trusting Him to help me. Our sin is what keeps us from loving boldly. God, please continue to show me the sin in my life that is keeping me from loving like You.

Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

Tyler is my precious little boy. I love him beyond belief, but I have to say that even after my many years in education, he is one of the most difficult children I've ever known. He has been "high-maintenance" since Day One. He was a preemie, and most preemies have some problems with sensory integration. Tyler is no exception. Without going into too many details, he was a very fussy baby and is still a fussy child. He gets overwhelmed very easily and has always had a difficult time self-soothing. And now that he's two, he's really testing the limits (I know every 2 year old does this, but I swear he's worse than most!).

I try to be consistent in my discipline. I've read the books, I do my best with him, and yet I feel like such a failure of a parent sometimes. Are you supposed to be consistent to the point of spending the majority of the day in time-out? Seriously, nothing seems to be getting through to him. I want to discipline him in a way that he'll learn right from wrong without getting his spirit broken. He seems to be the kind of child who needs the firmest, hardest discipline techniques, but I'm terrified of breaking his spirit.

So I deal with that dilemma daily, and then I hear other people say I should do this or that and their children behave so much better, and it makes me crazy mad!! They have no idea. I would like to challenge those people to take Tyler for 24 hours and see how he is truly different, and it has nothing to do with the way I treat him. I'm doing the best I can.

This post is purely a vent. I just needed to get that out. I pray that God will show me how to love Tyler and show me how to teach Tyler how to love because he's very physically aggressive lately. I don't even know where his hitting and kicking is coming from because Mark and I are such calm, easy-going people. I want to raise a compassionate, loving child, and I can't help but feel like I'm failing at that right now. All I can say right now is "God help me."

My precious chihuahua starting having seizures again last night, and it took several hours to make them finally stop. It was a rough night, and I didn't get much sleep, and everything always seems worse when you haven't had enough sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in a day or two.

Frustration

So yesterday was the first day I actually remembered to pray as soon as I woke up in the morning. It made a difference immediately. Thank You God for that. Then later in the day, I was hurt and very upset with someone. It doesn't really matter who or why, but me feelings were hurt...that's the important part, and that's where I struggle to love someone....when they hurt my feelings. I wanted so badly to run away, to get away from this person. Instead, I went in my room with Piper and prayed for God to heal me and help me be loving despite wanting to just retreat into my shell and protect myself the rest of the day.

After a few minutes of prayer and reading, I emerged from our room, from the comfort of my protective shell and expressed my hurt and frustration. It's extremely hard for me to vocalize to someone that they hurt me, but I did it, and the relationship was healed within minutes. In my readings over the last couple of days, I've realized that "bold love" is not always about "turning the other cheek," or just ignoring the things that hurt you. Sometimes confrontation is necessary to improve our relationships with each other and God.

So God helped me through the day, and I was able to end the day feeling pretty good about making a little progress in my spiritual journey. This is definitely not going to be easy, but I have to remember to pray during those times of hurt and frustration. I have so much more to learn.

The Plan

The Plan for my Spiritual Journey (rough draft)

Objectives:

• To love others unconditionally, regardless of their actions or how I feel.
• To express love appropriately to people in my life, especially my family.
• To not be afraid to love and show love to others.

Daily Goals:

• Pray as soon as I wake up for God to show me how I can best love my family and help me do it.
• When I am frustrated and don't feel like loving, pray for God's love and direction.
• Pray at night for myself (usually I pray more for others) about whatever I may have struggled with that day.
  
• Pray for God to love others through me, that it will not be in my own strength or based on my own personal feelings.
• Read the Bible and/or part of a Christian book everyday.
• Listen to praise music or sermons in my car at least 3 times a week.
• Pray that I will be covered in the Holy Spirit so that others will be touched by the Spirit just by being around me. (Charlie Brown example)
• Keep a journal of my journey (this blog)...not necessarily daily, but whenever I can.

People I know that are good examples for me:
Lexi, Pam, Martha, Mark

What is the problem?

You might wonder why I need a spiritual journey to learn how to love like Christ loves. I'm pretty good at loving other people no matter what. I can see past their faults and love them for who they are. Most people from church and school would probably say I'm a pretty loving, caring person. The trouble comes with my family, those I care about the most. For some reason, it's harder for me to love and accept them for who they are, especially when that can cause me pain.

I'm a very sensitive person, and when I get my feelings hurt by someone I love, I tend to pull away and detach from that person. This is not ideal in any relationship, but especially in marriage. Mark and I have a great marriage, but I admit that when he hurts my feelings (usually unintentionally), I withdraw. I don't want to be affectionate, loving, or vulnerable...I can be cold. This is what I want to change. How hard is it to be vulnerable and love someone so deeply when it can so easily lead to pain? I want to love despite the possibility of pain. I want Mark and my children to leave this world knowing that I loved them deeply with no exceptions and no hesitations. I pray that God will not only teach me how to love but that He will also protect my heart during this journey.

As for my children, of course my love for them is beyond description, but in the trenches of motherhood when Tyler is screaming and throwing his toys at me because he has to share my attention with his new little sister, love is not the first thing that comes to my mind. I want to scream back!! I want to disappear. I want him to just be happy. I feel like I'm being attacked....Tyler's screaming because I'm holding Piper, and Piper's screaming because Tyler is scaring her to death. The dogs are chasing each other around the room, and Mark wants to know what's for lunch! Overwhelmed and tired, I long to find love in these moments instead of the overwhelming desire to scream "Leave me alone!".

To begin this journey, I'm reading Bold Love by Dr. Dan B. Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III. Amazing book already! The authors define Bold Love as "courageously setting aside our personal agenda to move humbly into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and an aroma of death to others."

Another awesome quote from the book..."I will not live with purpose and joy unless I love; I will not be able to love unless I forgive; and I will not forgive unless my hatred is continually melted by the searing truth and grace of the gospel. ...... Love is unquestionably the highest calling a person can pursue."

Last thought for the night, the authors encourage the reader to ask this question, "Is love the most prized possession in our home, the most cherished character trait we pursue, and the most central lesson we teach in all that we do?" We need not only to be an example of Christ's love for our children, but we are also called to actively teach God's love to them. Love is not passive. We must actively make it a priority in our homes.

Welcome to my Blog

So I'm mainly starting a blog for my own benefit. It helps to write things down, and doing it on the computer is so much easier than pencil and paper. My friend, Pam, has encouraged me (and many others) to write a "spiritual journey." Basically, my spiritual journey is something I want to do to help me live more like Christ. I've chosen to focus, for at least the next 90 days, on learning how to love like Jesus loves. I know we can never fully grasp the amazing, unconditional love of Jesus Christ, but I want to love people the way He loves them, unconditionally.

I find myself so often feeling hurt or frustrated and allowing my feelings to influence how I love those around me. I don't want to do that. I want to be able to love even when I don't "feel" like it. This is more important than ever right now as I am now trying to balance my roles as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher, etc. Being a wife and mother are my most important roles, and I want my family to feel loved no matter what. God has given me a huge responsibility to care for Tyler and Piper and Mark too, and I want honor what He's given me. So my journey is to learn to love those around me, especially my family. I'll write notes on how my studies are going, about my triumphs and failures, and I'll have to include a section on my daily family life. Tyler and Piper do the cutest things, and I want to document that as we go. I pray that this will be an amazing learning experience for me and that I will learn to love as God has called us to love.