What is the problem?

You might wonder why I need a spiritual journey to learn how to love like Christ loves. I'm pretty good at loving other people no matter what. I can see past their faults and love them for who they are. Most people from church and school would probably say I'm a pretty loving, caring person. The trouble comes with my family, those I care about the most. For some reason, it's harder for me to love and accept them for who they are, especially when that can cause me pain.

I'm a very sensitive person, and when I get my feelings hurt by someone I love, I tend to pull away and detach from that person. This is not ideal in any relationship, but especially in marriage. Mark and I have a great marriage, but I admit that when he hurts my feelings (usually unintentionally), I withdraw. I don't want to be affectionate, loving, or vulnerable...I can be cold. This is what I want to change. How hard is it to be vulnerable and love someone so deeply when it can so easily lead to pain? I want to love despite the possibility of pain. I want Mark and my children to leave this world knowing that I loved them deeply with no exceptions and no hesitations. I pray that God will not only teach me how to love but that He will also protect my heart during this journey.

As for my children, of course my love for them is beyond description, but in the trenches of motherhood when Tyler is screaming and throwing his toys at me because he has to share my attention with his new little sister, love is not the first thing that comes to my mind. I want to scream back!! I want to disappear. I want him to just be happy. I feel like I'm being attacked....Tyler's screaming because I'm holding Piper, and Piper's screaming because Tyler is scaring her to death. The dogs are chasing each other around the room, and Mark wants to know what's for lunch! Overwhelmed and tired, I long to find love in these moments instead of the overwhelming desire to scream "Leave me alone!".

To begin this journey, I'm reading Bold Love by Dr. Dan B. Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III. Amazing book already! The authors define Bold Love as "courageously setting aside our personal agenda to move humbly into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and an aroma of death to others."

Another awesome quote from the book..."I will not live with purpose and joy unless I love; I will not be able to love unless I forgive; and I will not forgive unless my hatred is continually melted by the searing truth and grace of the gospel. ...... Love is unquestionably the highest calling a person can pursue."

Last thought for the night, the authors encourage the reader to ask this question, "Is love the most prized possession in our home, the most cherished character trait we pursue, and the most central lesson we teach in all that we do?" We need not only to be an example of Christ's love for our children, but we are also called to actively teach God's love to them. Love is not passive. We must actively make it a priority in our homes.