Real Housewives??

I am a "real housewife." I have seen those shows...."The Real Housewives of Orange County," "The Real Housewives of New York City," and "The Read Housewives of Atlanta," and I am here to say that they are NOT REAL HOUSEWIVES!!!! Let me tell you what a real housewife deals with. Let me share just a glimpse of my day today.

This morning was great...I dusted, mopped, vacuumed, the house was clean and the kids were happy. So I'm having a moment to myself talking to a friend on the phone. Tyler was content in my room watching a video and Piper was resting peacefully in my lap. Well, after about 5 minutes of sitting in the study, I walk into the living room to sit down and continue my conversation when low and behold, Tyler is no longer watching his movie. He's having a grand old time picking up the dog food with a spatula and tossing it all over the kitchen. There was literally dog food ALL OVER MY KITCHEN!!!!!!!!

I took a deep breath, put Piper in her bouncy seat, and calmly told Tyler to help me pick up the dog food. I don't have a broom, so Tyler and I cleaned it all up with our bare hands. Yuck. (I will be investing in a broom very soon!!) Now he had no trouble spreading the entire bowl all over the kitchen in a matter of minutes, but when told to pick it up and put it all back in the bowl, he did it piece by piece, and anytime I turned my back on him, he was back in my room watching Madagascar! NOW he wants to watch the movie. UGH!!! In the meantime, Piper, my little angel baby who hardly ever cries, is wailing in her bouncy seat.

So we finally get all the food picked up and I grab the mop to clean the floor real quick so I can hurry up and pick up poor little Piper. I finish my second mopping job for the day, put the mop away, and return to the kitchen and swoop Piper up in my arms as fast as I can. She hushes immediately. Then I notice Emma, our Golden Retriever, looks a little guilty....and guilty she is. She has pooped right in the middle of the kitchen floor that I just mopped. Piper goes back to the bouncy seat wailing, and I have to drag my 80 pound dog outside because she refuses to go on her own. Stupid dog. Her poop is like freaking horse poop. A house should never see this much poop. It can't possible go in the toilet, so I get my gloves, a trash bag and a roll of paper towels and start picking it up while trying not to hurl - I don't need another mess to clean up. The whole time I'm cleaning the mess, Tyler is yelling, "Mama, more juice. MAMA, MORE JUICE!" and Piper is crying so hard she can't breathe. I want to cry too, but I laugh instead. After practically boiling my hands in the sink, I cuddle up with Piper and Tyler in the rocking chair for an afternoon nap. I don't think any of those REAL HOUSEWIVES have ever had an afternoon quite like the one I just had.

REAL HOUSEWIVES don't pay cash for a new Escalade or buy their daughters $1500 handbags. REAL HOUSEWIVES don't spend their days taking bubble baths and pretending to clean the house in a sexy maid's costume. REAL HOUSEWIVES deal with screaming, misbehaving children and pooping dogs, and they love every minute of it!! I am a "real housewife."