Death

Death. I seem to be surrounded by it this year, and it's starting to scare me a little. My student, Derek, lost his brother in a motorcycle accident in Frisco earlier this year. My sister-in-law in Kentucky has had two miscarriages in the last 6 months, and they just found out the baby boy they were planning on adopting from Ethiopia died 2 nights ago. Bless her heart. My grandfather is functioning on 20% of his heart and he's too weak to make it through any kind of surgery, so at Christmas this year, we all spent a little extra time with Papa and gave him extra hugs because we're not sure we'll see him again. And my dog is dying. She has seizures, which are now pretty much under control with medication, but now she's in congestive heart failure and coughs ALL the time. I'm sad for her, and I'm sad that I can't devote more of my attention to her.

And the most heartbreaking of all, my precious student, Lauren, has been battling cancer since July last year. Her dad called to tell me last night that I needed to prepare myself because Lauren probably doesn't have much time left. The men in my life don't cry very often, so it breaks my heart to hear a man cry. Lauren's dad was speechless at one point because he was so overwhelmed with tears. My heart breaks for her family. How do you ever make it through the death of your child? I know God provides what you need when you need it, but I'm ashamed to say that I think my faith would be shaken in I were in these parent's position right now.

I had another homebound student a couple of years ago. She was in liver failure. After 3 different liver transplants, her body rejected all of them. We all knew the prognosis was inevitably death. I knew that. I accepted that. I prayed for comfort and healing for her family. I prayed that she would be happy and not in pain during the rest of her days her on Earth. I prayed for comfort for myself. When it was time to say goodbye, it was still very hard, but I think we had all accepted that fate a long time before it came. The death of a child is horrible whether you know it's going to happen or not, and it was much harder to let Natalie go than I expected.

With Lauren, I know that Cancer can be beaten. It doesn't have to end in death. So my prayer for her has always been that she would be healed, that her family would be spared the grief of losing a child, and that her body would be strong enough to fight this evil disease. I know in my mind that God has answered my prayers, just not in the way I wanted him to. I know in my mind that Lauren will be made perfect very soon when she sees Christ. I know in my mind that nothing here on Earth is "ours," and that God can give an take as he sees fit. But my heart aches beyond belief knowing that God did not spare this child from the pain she's suffering. He did not spare her parents the grief of losing their only baby girl. He did not spare her young brother and her friends the terrible grief of losing someone they love. The very thought of losing one of my own children literally takes my breath away....I can't even breathe just thinking about that possibility.

I can't really say how I would deal with the loss of a child. I hope I never have to experience anything close to that. But I imagine that if I were in this couple's shoes right now, I would be asking a lot of questions that start with the word, "why." Why does she have to suffer? Why are you taking my daughter away from me? Why do we have to hurt so much? Why can't you just heal her? Why, God?

Five months into my pregnancy with Piper, we found out that she had a "possible" heart defect and that raised her chances of having Down's Syndrome. There was a very good chance that Piper was going to have Down's. We called our families immediately to let them know. As a special education teacher, I wasn't sad. Even though it wasn't ideal, I felt prepared to have a child with any kind of disability. After telling our families, I decided it was best not to tell anyone else in my life. I was shocked by some of their reactions and couldn't handle anymore similar reactions. "That would never happen to you." "That doctor's just trying to scare you." "That's just ridicuous." "Oh, we'll still love her." What??? Do you think people PLAN on having a sick child? Do you think couples on their wedding day say, "We're going to have a child die when she's in sixth grade." Do you think when a father looks into his son's eyes for the first time, he thinks, "This child will probably die in a tragic car accident when he's 19 years old,"? No. No one plans on dealing with special needs or the death of a child. But it could happen to ANYONE. Thankfully, Piper was born perfectly healthy. I try very hard to cherish every moment I have with my babies, because if there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that life is uncertain and there are no guarantees.

I held my babies a little closer and little longer last night after I rocked them to sleep. I kissed them a few more times before I laid them in bed, and I prayed thanking God for my beautiful, healthy children. And then I laid in my own bed pleading with God to keep my children healthy and strong, that we might never fully know the pain of losing a child.